My biggest OCD spike. My mind was in a civil war. Layers and layers of horrible thoughts in competition with each other, plaguing me with the uncertainty of which ones were really 'me.' Was what I was feeling true? I was trapped in an inescapable mental obstacle course - a series of tests to check what was true and what was the disease. It being true would be my worst nightmare, so I checked and checked to make sure it wasn't. But the checking would only tighten the grip of the rituals, which developed an immunity and a need for more checking and reassurance. I was addicted to an unattainable certainty. If I tried to think of something beyond my obsession, my mind would inevitably pull me back into it in a blink of an eye. I was almost impressed by the routes my thoughts would take just to get back to square one. But, invariably, I would always be back at my hell. There was no moment of respite. As my obsessions focused on my relationship, guilt became inextricably linked to love. For those years, love meant pain.