Wow that is difficult to read.
I put it in notepad and tried to split it up for a less complex read.
why do you act like you're so perfect but at the same time you know you're the exact opposite you filthy nasty piece of shit you disgusting lying bastard you know that you were raised like an animal moving from place to place like a vagrant you know you were having sex before you were six years old you knew exactly what you were doing you weren't a victim you weren't coerced you had sex with your brothers and your cousins and God knows who else you let your uncle bribe you into sex and you took it like you were watching tv like it was nothing you knew it was wrong but you just disconnected well it's not like you felt anything it wasn't painful it didn't feel good it just felt like getting used like giving that up for some pringles thats it then after you came into state custody it got worse I know your parents knew they probably just didn't care they knew they had to know I know they know that time you were in the tub and dad whupped you that time you were older, much older, at least like eleven and you and your cousin reunited and were going at it like fiends while other people were around they had to know even at six or seven or however old i was in the year 2000 I got worse that's when the double life really started remember putting your brother's name on the paper when it asked for the date and you thought it meant 'your' date? sick remember that diary why did you have to write that down? things got worse once I got into state custody I was quiet and did what I was told for the most part the worst thing was following directions and lying and stealing hardheaded stubborn sneaky you gotta keep an eye on the quiet ones you act good but you probably hiding something I was good and once backs were turned I was bad I was neat and clean and but when it came to doing what I wanted to, no one could tell me no I was sneaky and a thief I stole food. that's mostly it. chocolate, candy from the purse or the top of the fridge or what have you I still had that hypersexuality that I hid I don't know when I started masturbating but I remember the most intense times were before I was ten before I started using my hand I would rub against the tub or the couch/chair arms I tried to show my sister but she thought it was like riding a horse just playing around then came the moment I regretted as soon as I did it in the den I don't know what made me give in even though I didn't know about masturbation or anything I had a feeling it was bads that's why I hid it and did it in secret so I defiinitely knew doing it with my sister was wrong but I did it anyway I bribed her some kind of way I don't know what I got out of it I told her water was called sex I gave her water from the iron and she said she wnanted iron sex sick It felt good rubbing against her and she said it felt good but I dont think she even knew what was going on just like me with my uncle and then when I came it was too much I peed on myself and she just thought I'd get in trouble for peeing on the carpet sick I pretended like that never happened Oh and before I was six so who knows how old I did the same thing to her I think my parents knew/were told by my brothers or someone because I got whupped for that so they knew they fucking knew such awesome parents right what hope is there for me then i'm nothing but a molester and a molestee it kept happening after I came into care visits to my aunt's house led to encounters with molesters my uncle tried to worm his way into sex and made up some phony contract to get me to disrobe when I told everyone it was a shitstorm and I felt horrible and guilty and nasty all over again on top of leading a double life good person thats hardheaded and lies up front severe masturbator deep down everything was about sex any movie or book or anything; how can I tie this in with sex look for rape cases on tv and stuff law and order svu; watched that show like crazy slavery and white slave masters lusting after/raping slave women sick just sick this is the person I am. a sick person who masturbates while sleeping in the same bed as somebody else somebody who scrolls through porn while having an unrelated conversation with my brother someone who's a master at dissociating/removing cognitive dissonance someone good at disconneccted so good I disconnected from myself completely inner dialogue in third person or like talking to someone else like my body is its own person and i'm trapped in it this is why I hate myself because I am a disgusting disgusting disgusting person disgusting I'm not a victim I'm not suffering from anything I maybe was a victim a long time ago but I chose to embrace the sickness and bottle up/hide my hypersexuality than get help at a young age I don't blame myself I was too young and the adults all shamed me you nasty little bastard nasty nasty you write about having sex with your brother giving him oral and having his baby thats your version of a fairy tale sick nasty whats wrong with you confronted like that, it was no wonder I chose to lie and hide I dont ever want to feel that way again told my foster sister about my first time was with my brothers disgusting nasty throw it back in your face yeah, i kept that to myself from then on but she was molested too and she molested me what a world so this is me born to two teenage runaways in california wild unstable childhood full of voluntary incest between child relatives and other relatives childhood of secrecy and shame middle school made worse by the shame compounded by being one of the ugliest little bastard on the planet; thick gllasses, take glasses off oh she looks like a man too fat too ugly too black just don't fit in anywhere childhood pining for parents that couldnt be bothered to even pick up the phone or write a letter (and the ones they did send/times they did visit were too few and too far between) adulthood; everything coming undone lost confused hopeless shameful guilty ruined doomed worthless nasty unworthy of life only good for nothing only good as a pawn only good for substandard life obviously im not suicidal even when i 'was' i wasn't i think about it all the time but i'll never do it stubborn hardheaded i just im at the point where i'm at peeling back the veil and discovering a trash heap trying to see if anything's salvageable can i get over this i have an idea of what to do talk to sister. apologize and accept fate; either she hates me and i deserve it. I may have ruined her life. or she might not hate me. cool. i guess. I feel nothing for my 'family' i didn't grow up with a family i grew up with guardians and foster siblings there was always the unspoken divide or maybe the wall was maintained by my stubborn deluded desire to wait and get back with my parents i dont want your family i want my own yeah so no real connection to anyone no one just fake relationships at work and so on everybody says why don't you call why dont you text the only thing closest to love is my infatuation/fixation with my mother and that's just pathetic pathetice stupid clingy little bitch she doesnt love you she doesnt even love herself thats been painfully obvious from the start let it go but if i let that go i have no one and nothing maybe I need to start from ground zero not like I haven't done that physically homeless broke unemployed hungry living in shelters, the gym eating vienna sausages, water, and crackers not enough money for a 50 cent hunny bun so emotionally I have to go to that place it hurts just to think about but maybe thats the only way i'll be able to build back up i'm starting the 'healing process' by being honest it's not too late, right? if I get my mind right and move on from this i can help other children in the way they need to be helped, the way I wish somebody would have helped me by not shaming them but by explaining what happened, why it's not good and what it does to you trust me children will understand i guarantee I would have understood if the things would have been broken down for me then it'd be out in the open and there would be no need for shame and secrecy that would lead to healthy adults and think I just found my purpose in life maybe