I read it and I am trying to spread it out so it's easier to read. Good luck sounds like you are on the right path

why do you act like you're so perfect but at the same time you know you're the exact opposite

you filthy nasty piece of shit you disgusting lying bastard

you know that you were raised like an animal moving from place to place like a vagrant

you know you were having sex before you were six years old

you knew exactly what you were doing

you weren't a victim you weren't coerced you had sex with your brothers and your cousins and God knows who else

you let your uncle bribe you into sex and you took it like you were watching tv

like it was nothing

you knew it was wrong but you just disconnected

well it's not like you felt anything

it wasn't painful

it didn't feel good it just felt like getting used

like giving that up for some pringles

thats it then after you came into state custody it got worse

I know your parents knew they probably just didn't care

they knew

they had to know

I know they know that time you were in the tub and dad whupped you

that time you were older, much older, at least like eleven and you and your cousin reunited and were going at it like fiends while other people were around

they had to know even at six or seven or however old i was in the year 2000

I got worse that's when the double life really started

remember putting your brother's name on the paper

when it asked for the date and you thought it meant 'your' date?

sick

remember that diary

why did you have to write that down?

things got worse once I got into state custody

I was quiet and did what I was told for the most part

the worst thing was following directions and lying and stealing

hardheaded stubborn sneaky you gotta keep an eye on the quiet ones

you act good but you probably hiding something

I was good and once backs were turned

I was bad

I was neat and clean and but when it came to doing what I wanted to, no one could tell me no

I was sneaky and a thief

I stole food. that's mostly it. chocolate, candy from the purse or the top of the fridge or what have you

I still had that hypersexuality that I hid

I don't know when I started masturbating but I remember the most intense times were before I was ten

before I started using my hand I would rub against the tub or the couch/chair arms

I tried to show my sister but she thought it was like riding a horse just playing around

then came the moment I regretted as soon as I did it in the den

I don't know what made me give in even though I didn't know about masturbation or anything

I had a feeling it was bads that's why I hid it and did it in secret

so I defiinitely knew doing it with my sister was wrong but I did it anyway

I bribed her some kind of way I don't know what I got out of it

I told her water was called sex

I gave her water from the iron and she said she wnanted iron sex

sick

It felt good rubbing against her and she said it felt good

but I dont think she even knew what was going on

just like me with my uncle and then when I came it was too much

I peed on myself and she just thought I'd get in trouble for peeing on the carpet

sick

I pretended like that never happened

Oh and before I was six so who knows how old I did the same thing to her

I think my parents knew/were told by my brothers or someone because I got whupped for that

so they knew they fucking knew such awesome parents right

what hope is there for me then i'm nothing but a molester and a molestee

it kept happening after I came into care

visits to my aunt's house led to encounters with molesters

my uncle tried to worm his way into sex and made up some phony contract to get me to disrobe

when I told everyone it was a shitstorm and I felt horrible and guilty and nasty all over again

on top of leading a double life good person thats hardheaded and lies up front

severe masturbator deep down everything was about sex

any movie or book or anything; how can I tie this in with sex

look for rape cases on tv and stuff law and order svu; watched that show

like crazy slavery and white slave masters lusting after/raping slave women

sick

just sick this is the person I am.

a sick person who masturbates while sleeping in the same bed as somebody else

somebody who scrolls through porn while having an unrelated conversation with my brother

someone who's a master at dissociating/removing cognitive dissonance

someone good at disconneccted

so good I disconnected from myself completely inner dialogue in third person or like talking to someone else

like my body is its own person and

i'm trapped in it

this is why I hate myself because I am a

disgusting

disgusting

disgusting person

disgusting I'm not a victim

I'm not suffering from anything

I maybe was a victim a long time ago

but I chose to embrace the sickness and bottle up/hide my hypersexuality than get help at a young age

I don't blame myself

I was too young and the adults all shamed me

you nasty little bastard

nasty nasty you write about having sex with your brother giving him oral and having his baby

thats your version of a fairy tale

sick

nasty whats wrong with you confronted like that, it was no wonder I chose to lie and hide

I dont ever want to feel that way again

told my foster sister about my first time was with my brothers

disgusting

nasty

throw it back in your face yeah, i kept that to myself from then on but she was molested too and she molested me

what a world so this is me born to two teenage runaways in california

wild unstable childhood full of voluntary incest

between child relatives and other relatives

childhood of secrecy and shame

middle school made worse by the shame compounded by being one of the ugliest little bastard on the planet;

thick gllasses, take glasses off

oh she looks like a man

too fat too ugly

too black just don't fit in anywhere

childhood pining for parents that couldnt be bothered to even pick up the phone or write a letter

(and the ones they did send/times they did visit were too few and too far between)

adulthood; everything coming undone

lost confused hopeless shameful guilty ruined doomed worthless

nasty unworthy of life only

good for nothing only good as a pawn

only good for substandard life obviously

im not suicidal even when i 'was' i wasn't

i think about it all the time but i'll never do it

stubborn hardheaded i just im at the point where i'm at peeling back the veil and discovering a trash heap

trying to see if anything's salvageable

can i get over this

i have an idea of what to do talk to sister.

apologize and accept fate; either she hates me and i deserve it.

I may have ruined her life. or she might not hate me.

cool. i guess. I feel nothing for my 'family'

i didn't grow up with a family

i grew up with guardians and foster siblings

there was always the unspoken divide or maybe the wall was maintained by my stubborn deluded desire to wait and get back with my parents

i dont want your family

i want my own

yeah so no real connection to anyone

no one

just fake relationships at work and so on

everybody says why don't you call

why dont you text

the only thing closest to love is my infatuation/fixation with my mother and that's just pathetic

pathetice stupid clingy little bitch

she doesnt love you

she doesnt even love herself thats been painfully obvious from the start

let it go but if i let that go i have no one and nothing

maybe I need to start from ground zero

not like I haven't done that

physically homeless

broke unemployed hungry living in shelters, the gym eating vienna sausages, water, and crackers not enough money for a 50 cent hunny bun

so emotionally I have to go to that place

it hurts just to think about but maybe thats the only way

i'll be able to build back up

i'm starting the 'healing process' by being honest it's not too late, right?

if I get my mind right and move on from this i can help other children in the way they need to be helped, the way I wish somebody would have helped me

by not shaming them but by explaining what happened, why it's not good and what it does to you

trust me children will understand i guarantee

I would have understood if the things would have been broken down for me

then it'd be out in the open and there would be no need for shame and secrecy

that would lead to healthy adults and think I just found my purpose in life maybe