3. Childhood bullying causes worse long-term mental health problems than maltreatme...

Childhood bullying causes worse long-term mental health problems than maltreatment

I went through the same. I was home schooled due to frequent illness so I only went to school from age 5 and missed most of kindergarden. My first memories of that are of me standing in a group of teachers and them urging me to go play with the children, but I didn't want to. It got worse when I got glasses. In elementary school kids found all kinds of stuff to hate me over. I was smart, I had "rabbit teeth", and I wore dresses that my mom made for me. It wasn't just verbal abuse, because I wore cute dresses I got kicked till I had scrapes and bruises and was forced to wear pants. Teachers didn't care. In fact my gym teacher was in on it. I distrusted her and so I didn't want to participate in class because like hell I am going to walk on a thin bar a meter above the ground with that woman supposedly there to help me. So I got sent to detention all the time. I didn't care though, I went sick in the stomach thinking of having to do any scary gym exercise so it was a relief. It's taken me years to finally appreciate sports.

Anyway, they kept sending me to the school councillor who gave advice like "you must appear assertive". I still don't know wtf that is supposed to mean. I've seen several therapists since I hit my twenties where a bunch of other life events pushed me over the brink, and most are confused about the non-help I received. I started to have panic attacks when I was 18, oddly enough when I finally had a few friends at college. I am nearly in my thirties now and I've gone through several long-lasting bouts of severe depression and my happiest seems to be mild depression. Anxiety continues to be a problem also and affects my daily life. I also lost my mom when I was 21 who'd been my everything.

I recently recalled, while going through old pictures, how I'd feel on Sundays. Somewhere in the afternoon a creeping dread would come over me and I'd feel like the world was ending. It's actually pretty alike to a panic attack. I also remember we'd have to go swimming and I'd feel like I was on a bus to my own execution. I'd have to take my glasses off to swim plus there was the nasty gym teacher who'd push me into the pool if I didn't dare to go. Plus there was not a single child who'd support or help me. They all just acted like I had some horrible disease.

I also remember in high school I'd try to make friends with the other outcast kids. Well no, actually, I first tried to be friends with my classmates but they'd stand in a group interlocking arms and pushing me out of the circle. I pretended to ignore it as first as I wanted to fit in but eventually one told me quite loudly that I was unwanted and should leave because I was ruining their break. One year, there was a girl who'd transferred from another school because of bullying. She has albinism so it was pretty visual. I did my best to be a good friend even though I was awkward as hell. Sadly, the bullies noticed it and took her into their group and she became one of the cool kids. They also used her to gain personal info from me. This actually happened a few times with other friends. I'm somewhat glad this was before the internet because damn, had those things circulated online I dunno what I'd done.

It's just generally the whole sense of insecurity that left a mark with me. I'd go hide in the toilets and there were a few kids from another grade who hung out there and they'd break open my stall. I basically couldn't use the toilet unless I went during class or I'd go home during noon.

As for why nobody did anything? I lived in a small town so there were no other schools to choose from unless you moved, and my parents had no means to take me to school to another city. And school buses did not pick up kids elsewhere other than the city they belonged to. My dad did have some really stern talks with the headmasters, even involved the ministry of education, but they just didn't care. They also acted like I was the problem. I still do that, whenever something goes wrong I blame myself. It's difficult to unlearn years and years of life telling you that you are the cause for everything. And that I should know how to make it all stop, and that by not doing that I am choosing to be the victim. Which leads to current frustrations of not being able to be 'normal', because somehow it is expected that anyone who goes into therapy comes out magically cured in just some months.

Anyway, this is a really long-winded and personal sharing way of saying that you are sadly not alone. And that the article is right from my experience. I've since had the luck of becoming fairly well known in a game and gather a group of people around me whom I've met up with. I have obtained enough social skills to pass as normal. I'm a bit quirky but people consider me successful, even if I don't believe it to be so. But it is still a burden you carry alongside you which takes a lot of time to unravel and 'fix'. It takes a whole lot of work and courage to expose yourself to vulnerable situations until they become normal. Basically, it's just a whole pile of suck. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, not even those bullies. I just hope parents and school systems will become much more informed and take this far more seriously so future generations don't have to endure the same.

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