I just read a bunch about it as a teenager. Looking back, I grew up in a nominally "Christian" household but was almost always focused on the "Old Testament" and didn't even care about Jesus or anything- which you know, isn't exactly how it's supposed to work. I have fairly recent Jewish ancestors- but had to discover that on my own fairly late in life (it was- and still is- shrouded under layers of obfuscation in my family.)

I was initially attracted to Orthodoxy but later in life decided on Conservative Judaism. I was secular, even atheistic, in the years between my initial interest and when I actually pursued something, so Orthodoxy was a bit of stretch. I went to a Reform service and felt it was devoid of tradition. Conservative felt connected to something bigger without feeling like a "crazy" life decision.

Well, unfortunately, crazy has caught up with me. I've been attending an Orthodox shul since almost right after I finished my Conservative conversion. And I deal almost daily with my frustration that I joined the wrong camp. I currently can't figure out a plan to move to an Orthodox neighborhood. I study and study- I literally went to three standard Orthodox services, a seudat shlishit, a farbrengen, and a selichot today. But it can't go anywhere because I can't fix my geographic issue. I love the warmth and intensity of that kind of community but I'm kind of stuck. When I go to a Conservative or Reform shul, I feel like it's a social hour for people who paid two thousand dollar memberships and they don't know who I am, so I end up alone.

So I don't know what to say on all that. It can get extremely depressing. But I do have a sense of being part of a unit I'm now never going to leave. That I'd never marry/date outside of. That I'd never turn my back on. That I grew up with even as I grew away from the things I "should" have been close to- my biological family, my childhood religion, etc. I just hope, you know, that the collective Jewish people/Judaism can figure out something to do with me that made all the trust I've put into it worth the while.