Okay so I'm a honey badger, and if that isn't the start of a D&D story I don't know what is.
Anyways my character is an anthro honey badger sorcerer. He has the far traveler background (y'all see fukn' talking honey badgers around normally?) and he's kinda stupid when it comes to normal things such as "eating."
It was my first session and the party wakes up to go get breakfast at the tavern. They see this clothed honey badger angrily muttering in Sylvan as he tries to eat bacon and eggs with the wrong end of a fork. The changeling bard comes to tell me how to use a fork and I should prefice that the bard is a little bit of an ass.
Bard: ey b0ss you use the pointy end
Me (is honey badger henceforth is aggressive and confrontational little shoit) (also I have an Australian accent): OI I DON'T NEED YER FAKN' HELP YA CUNT NOW BACK OFF OR I'LL FOKEN RECK YER SHIT MATE
Bard: Okay well I have these beans and they're magic and shit so they taste good
Context of Beans. This is my first session so I have no idea he has this.
Me: (Angrily shouts about not wanting beans)
Bard: (Uses Prestigitiation on beans to make them taste good)
Me (is sorc so I know what Prestig is): (Angrily shouts about not wanting to eat things that only taste good because of magic)
Bard: k then
Bard: (casts heat metal on my fork before leaving)
My character was already pretty pissed and confrontational before and after my fork burns my hand a bit he gets this "listen here u lil' shit" look in his eye and starts aggressively following the changeling.
Changeling is with the rest of the party and the Warforged Barbarian notices ANGERY honey badger following them. Mentions it to everyone else. (Very large Human who looks like a Dragonborn from a distance, Half-Elf Cleric, also the bard)
Human turns around and gives me the same "listen here u lil' shit" look and tells me to piss off. Honey badger don't give a damn (this is literally a racial ability I have that gives me advantage against intimidation and being frightened) and tells him to fuck off.
Hooman picks up 3 foot tall honey badger. Honey badger shouts angrily and draws sword, using a bit of magic to make it shiny before trying to stab him.
Human is in full plate so of course shitty rapier doesn't do jack. Human takes my rapier away. "OI YA CONT DATS MAH FUKN' SHIOT!"
Human then punches me in the face. "OI YA CONT DATS MAH FUKN' FACE!"
DM be like "Roll iniative 4head" Cleric be like nope.jpg and just leaves.
Basically the plan is to knock this aggressive little shit out so he stops bugging everyone. I'm not actually trying to hurt anyone which is why I'm not using any good spells or aiming for weak targets: just being a very angery boii.
I go first and stupidily shoot a cantrip at full plate armor barba. First shot is deflected off his armor.
Quickened Spell shoot another cantrip. Miss completely and spell flies off in random direction.
Fighter punches me in the face twice.
Barbarian punches me in the face.
Changeling uses Chill Touch on me.
Honey Badger isn't a complete retard and realizes that he's not going to win a 3v1. Stops squirming but kinda growls at everyone.
Fighter is stupid and doesn't realize I've calmed down. Starts hitting me with (the blunt end of) his sword. "OI YA WANKA I AIN'T BLOODY FIGHTING YOU STOP BEING A FAKN' DRONGO!"
Barbarian isn't stupid >tfw Barbarian isn't stupid and realizes that honey badger isn't stupid. Doesn't hit me.
Bard: I wana shove a bean up his ass.
Everyone kinda goes quiet and the DM informs him that this has a good chance to kill me. I'm just sitting there like "please don't kill my character monkaS" but changeling does it anyways. Table is silently freaking out because we have a good chance of killing my character in my first session in the middle of RP shenanagins. (DM isn't enough of a dick to actually kill me, but it would be hella an introduction for my character to get murdered by these murder hobos as soon as we meet.)
Roll a d100 - 34
A campfire with blue flames springs forth and burns for 24 hours (or until it is extinguished).
Changeling just shoved a blue fire campfire up my ass.
If DM rolled full damage it would've killed me outright (since it's blue fire.) However DM doesn't want me to fucking die so he says I took the lowest damage possible. (Which was still like half my health at the time.)
Honey Badger is now most literally ass-burning coal-shitting mad.
Fighter hits me in the face with the sword again and knocks me out.
They find 50 feet of rope in my bag ("we beat him up may as well rob his ass") and tie me up before carrying me along with the rest of what they're doing. I'm only traveling with them now because questgiver NPC was talking to the party about end of the world and my character's like "Wel if ya conts are tryin' to stop the bleedin' end of the world I guess ah'll foken help ya."
We were in a really shitty part of town which is why none of the guards stopped the street fight + assault on an individual who surrendered + animal abuse.