This seems old, I think some of these aren't quite so bad anymore

git checkout

You can create branches with git branch... as the OP obviously posted. The other stuff usually has switches, but all listed commands relate to updating from commits somehow.

“the knowledge you seek can be answered only by the gods.”

Not true. It's not easy, but you can trace the commit tree using something like:

git log --graph --decorate

Only thing I'm not sure of is how recent those options are. Bit lengthy though, but it's my alias of choice when i view stuff.

ll = log --graph --decorate

“git rev-parse --abbrev-ref HEAD“, replied Master Git.

If you just type

git branch 

lists the locally checked out branches with a * (and color if possible) of your current branch. Also, from the previous command, if you do

git log --decorate -n 1

You'll get a commit + tags, branches, messages, author of your current commit. Doesn't work for branches if you're detached from head though.

Master Git turned and threw himself off the railing, falling to his death on the rocks below.

-h is not a valid switch for git, but it handles it the same way as any other invalid switch - just says error. -h and --help still do different things for most commands (that I've tried on) - though they are consistent.