I've always been shy, slightly awkward, anxious, and introverted.

I never had problems making friends but I feel like I'm bad at maintaining friendships over long periods of time. I tend to not want to be social, which is a downward spiral because people won't invite you anywhere to meet other people. I have also struggled with my weight which has led to confidence issues and low self esteem. After my father, grandfather, and grandmother all passed away my senior year of highschool I was at an all time low emotionally. Loneliness coupled with family losses put me in depressions through college and I didn't really meet anyone there either. I started to believe I didn't deserve love or wasn't worth it.

After college I got a job at a big company but most people there were old engineers, so I sorta felt out of place. We've had cute interns that I've tried to get to know but I sat next to a tall, loud, and confident Irish exchange student so I didn't stand much of a chance haha. It was like trying to be a light bulb next to the sun.

I have also tried online dating but it hasn't really been successful yet, I keep disabling my profile. I'm not sure why I do that.

Last year, and most of this year, I was making some progress on my weight but I lost my job in July and I've gone back to square one unfortunately. It made me feel reclusive and that sure isn't going to help.

Anyway I've made attempts at fixing my lifestyle, attitude, confidence, and weight many times over the years but it never seems to stick. Apart from my weight I suppose I'm not that ugly, I've had compliments before so I try to remember the good things. I realize ultimately many of these problems are solvable and/or in my head but I'm still struggling to make that final lifestyle change that gets me where I hope to be.