The thread's dead and I feel like being honest on the internet.

I'd be classed as a sociopath, and have been told by a professional once that I almost certainly am. I lie and seek out dangerous situations; I manipulate people to amuse myself; I have a grandiose sense of self; no guilt for anything I've ever done; I care about two people in this world deeply: her and my brother (not by blood or adoption or stepbrother or anything, he's the brother I chose.)

She's not even my girlfriend: her boyfriend's in another province and I'm just trying to prove to her I can be what she needs, that I can make her happy. I've loved her for years now and we've had a thing, but she's promiscuous and I was possessive and a hypocrite as I did the same thing - have since outgrown that. Now I need to show her that I am willing to settle down, the be what she needs me to be, because she makes me a person - maybe even a good person.

But, I lie and manipulate. I abuse substances regularly because I'm bored as fuck all the time. I dont do any one thing often enough to have chemical dependencies, but that doesn't mean I'm not addicted to 'highs.'

All in all, weirdly enough, we fit perfectly together; two kinda shitty people who make one another better. I'm not really as horrible as all that either, I just said my worst traits; I have a large friend group who love me, I am kind to almost every one, other than those I enjoy tormenting, but they're not my friends, just random people. I hold the door for old ladies and help them load their groceries. I give money to homeless people and will talk with them for a half hour, see how their doing. I'm a good guy, I just don't have to be when I don't want to.

I love her though, her and my brother are the only two people I'll ever actually put before myself. If I don't win I'm gonna end up leaving the country, probably wander around europe, maybe join the foreign legion for shits & giggles; don't really know, but I know she's the only thing holding me here.

So yeah, that's the whole shpeel. Doubt anyone will read this, don't really care if anyone does. I've only recently become self aware of some of my behaviour and am figuring it out, and this seemed a little more sane than talking to myself in a mirror.

It just occurred to me this is what throwaways are for. To late.