Well, the thing is, when you're locked up in the throws of a severe anxiety attack (which is what in refer to it as, even if everyone else doesn't), you don't realize what you're doing. Its like you just go into survival mode. Everything is a threat. And that's if you aren't hallucinating that you're back in the sandbox. Little things can cause it as well as big disturbances. A firecracker, a backfiring motorcycle, a man yelling loudly. Its like it your whole world closes in to a 5 Ft² existence, and you're keeping it for yourself.
Have uou ever eaten some xanax and then drank on top of it? You are all over the place but don't remember any of it.
You're friends have to tell you what you did and why you're family is crying and why the police handcuffed you to something.. And then find out its because your family begged them them not arrest you and have you forcibly hospitalized because you're "dangerous to others and yourself", which is enough to throw you bright back into it and it starts again.
One of my friends, I saw him run THROUGH his apartment wall to tackle an officer WHILE HANDCUFFED from an adjacent room. I guess it was something he said maybe? Or maybe he was trying to save him from a "mortar attack", we'll never really know because he didn't even know.
Then when you finally are yourself again all you can do is abhor what you've put your family and friends, which starts a whole, equally destructive but differwnt thought process.
Did you know 22 (it may be 23 now) American veterans don't make it through EVERY single day because of self harm (I hope that was clear enough, but did not break the rules for the sub for the personal harm rule at the bottom of the list.)?
There are a lot of things out there that can help people.
Therapies. Drugs. Just feeling loved. Whatever helps the individual is usually the first thing they think of when you ask them. (You should ALWAYS directly ask questions too with veterans. Don't try to make us say it on our own. Some can, others will nitpick words to avoid it. Technically satisfy the question, but not answer it, tracking? Especially if you're concerned for their health and well being.)
I truly believe with any sort of drug or therapy (which I use the term loosely here, because we're all our own therapists sometimes) the difference between a poison and medicine is the dose, and with the proper care we can all go back to our old lives one day. Not unchanged, but not jumping onto your stomach when a car door slams across a parking lot either for whatever reason.
I had a friend once who got busted down and kicked out for some trumped up sexual assault charges down range (we all knew he didn't do it, sworn statements, Well, the thing is, when you're locked up in the throws of a severe anxiety attack (which is what in refer to it as, even if everyone else doesn't), you don't realize what you're doing. Its like you just go into survival mode. Everything is a threat. And that's if you aren't hallucinating that you're back in the sandbox. Little things can cause it as well as big disturbances. A firecracker, a backfiring motorcycle, a man yelling loudly. Its like it your whole world closes in to a 5 Ft² existence, and you're keeping it for yourself.
Have uou ever eaten some xanax and then drank on top of it? You are all over the place but don't remember any of it.
You're friends have to tell you what you did and why you're family is crying and why the police handcuffed you to something.. And then find out its because your family begged them them not arrest you and have you forcibly hospitalized because you're "dangerous to others and yourself", which is enough to throw you bright back into it and it starts again.
One of my friends, I saw him run THROUGH his apartment wall to tackle an officer WHILE HANDCUFFED from an adjacent room. I guess it was something he said maybe? Or maybe he was trying to save him from a "mortar attack", we'll never really know because he didn't even know.
Then when you finally are yourself again all you can do is abhor what you've put your family and friends, which starts a whole, equally destructive but differwnt thought process.
Did you know 22 (it may be 23 now) American veterans don't make it through EVERY single day because of self harm (I hope that was clear enough)?
There are a lot of things out there that can help people.
Therapies. Drugs. Just feeling loved. Whatever helps the individual.
I truly believe with any sort of drug or therapy (which I use the term loosely here, because we're all our own therapists sometimes) the difference between a poison and medicine is the dose.
I had a friend once who got busted down and kicked out for some trumped up sexual assault charges down range (we all knew he didn't do it, sworn statements (these are like a witness report, punishable by court marshal), polygraphs, the whole nine yards CID (military detectives, like LE civvy ones, but a bit different. Google it if you like, but it'll probably say about the same thing.) wants. He went through everything that we did over there, and then that on top of it. He was made out to be a monster, alienated from the unit by everyone basically who wasn't a witness, EVEN THOUGH she had been the company clearing barrel for some time at that point (and kind of a dirt bag, but that is not relevant. She was a very promiscuous person. I can explain the cleating barrel reference if you don't know what one is.) and everyone knew it. She got to stay in, and he.. Well in don't know what ever happened to him. Its been years now. I'd like to think he's working in a cushy bank job in Hawaii or something. God knows he deserves it.
He was slotted to go to Ranger school when he got home too. He was a great soldier and brother to have in my company.
Can you imagine for a moment what it must have been like for coming home from war and instead of a party for him he instead gets to register as a sex offender, try to explain to the situation to a bunch of civilians who have NO idea what half the stuff he's talking about is, and the only thing the DO have the ability to relate to is that they know what sexual assault is, and they know it's very, very bad.
He was in his early twenties too. Poor kid.
Honestly I think I've said enough for now. Maybe I'll go over to one of the veteran sub's for a while and think, or go outside and see the sun.
If you have anymore questions feel free to send it. I kinda bugged out when automod deleted that last HUGE wall of text I posted, so I didn't get to.smoke yet.
And thank you for talking with me. It has really made me feel like I made a small difference in the world again for the good guys.