You are in pain, but its actually easier to sit with the pain, horrible though it is, than to fight the pain. It's exhausting fighting all the time.

If God wasn't with you on some level, you would not be here at all. I don't mean here on this website or anything like that (though that too), but I mean living, breathing. He's there all the time. You feel empty and alone, but to exist at all you need the sustenance of God.

Since posting my first post I looked at your post history, a lot of what I said, you've said similar things to other people in the past. So I am sorry for telling you things you already know. You also mentioned that you suffer from depression and that sometimes you are very deep into it, and other times you are much better. Maybe try and remember that this has happened to you before, you became depressed, and you eventually became un-depressed. When you are depressed it always feels as though it is not worth it, it's not going to get any better, you will never be glad to have waited - but when you are not depressed you feel differently - it was worth waiting, life is worth living, and it does get better. Depression distorts your perception of life, your thoughts right now are liars, telling you that things are irredeemable, that life is unbearable, that you will never make it, never be able to cope - when those things are not true. That you are still alive, still struggling, still breathing is proof that it is not true.

When you are hurting it's natural to push back against the hurt, but that's what makes it so tiring to be hurting for a long time. You won't make things worse by not pushing back.

I don't suffer from depression, but when I was in university the first time (I dropped out) I went through a suicidal-ish period. I came out of it in a weird way. Firstly I read a book called "A Short History of Decay" by Emil Cioran, it's not a Christian book by any means (Cioran had a complicated relationship with religion...) but in that time in my life it was utterly profound. I read it all in one go, laughing and weeping, saying out loud in the loneliness of my room in student halls "he understands! someone understands!"

The second thing was that I decided to just lie in bed. I literally just lay in bed for days. I got restless but I didn't move. Just lay there, and eventually I got bored even of thinking, I still thought about stuff, but I ignored it, I didn't care to actually listen to myself thinking. And then as the noise faded into the background I noticed I was hungry, and it just weirdly, it seems so mundane, but it put everything into perspective for me and as I was thinking about staying there till I starved to death, I realised I didn't want to - not because I couldn't bear the hunger, hunger was more bearable than loneliness - but precisely because it was almost like taking a short rest, I had been so exhausted with unhappiness, and then I took a rest in a whole different kind of discomfort, and having rested I had the energy to come back and live again (I was still very unhappy - hence dropping out of university - but I did not wish to die).