March 27, 2015 Check-in Post. Have something to say, but don't want to make a post about it? Comment here!

Never really posted here but why not start now? Anyway I'm not really sure if my mother is a N or not. I don't think my dad is, and often he would overrule her but sometimes he would let her be her. Anyway there's a few things that I really despised about my mother when I lived at home. I had no expectation of privacy at all really. Even if my door was closed shut, they would never respect that. Until I was about 16 they just opened it and walked the fuck in because "it's my house". After that, they would both knock; dad would wait for a response and respect my response more often than not, but mum didn't give a fuck. She knocked just to say that she knocked, because she would walk in without waiting at all. It infuriated me so badly every single time.

Once she was in my room I'm pretty sure she scanned it to look for any reason to get enraged. Coffee mugs, drinking glasses, clothes strewn across the floor (I was a fucking teenage boy what do you really expect?), ,easy wardrobe, bed not made, my desk being cluttered. If she found one of the above, she'd switch on rampage mode and scour through every damn nook and cranny (or alcove; you have this word?) to look for the others. For a time I had a binge eating disorder so I would eat and stash the plates or packaging in the alcoves (are you sure this is the right word?) and guess what her response was? She was furious wi me, of course I was doing all this just to make her mad, why do I continue doing it when I know it makes her mad. Yup, the primary motive for what I do in my room is about her. Once I dared to ask her why she clearly went looking for things to get mad over but fuck me for "answering back" yeah how dare a 17 year old challenge their parents? Completely abnormal behaviour for a teenager to do that. It felt like every week she would threaten to remove the door to my room because I had forfeited my right to privacy.

All the same I find it hard for me to justify going NC in the future. They sent me to a good private school (I loved every minute I was there for both obvious and less obvious reasons), have said they will fully pay for my university fees incl. rent, tuition, etc. But even wi all that support I never felt that emotionally connected to them, they rarely seemed to care if I was ok as long I was doing well in school and not at risk of dying or poverty.

I dunno, I read horrible posts about really horrific abuse that others have been through and I feel so awful that some people have had to go through that. Then I feel guilty that I think my NMom was anything to complain about; she ultimately worked hard to provide for me and my sibling. Maybe that stems from the constant cries of "kids in Africa are starving and you dare to throw away food?" I dunno. Maybe I should see a counsellor or something. For the moment it's just cathartic to put this down in words I guess. Y'all get it I think.

/r/raisedbynarcissists Thread