Your post is pretty unusual around here, but you expressed your situation really well. I hope you don't get too much shit in the comments for being LL for your wife. I, for one, can understand why it's not a turn-on when your wife tells you she's horny and expects that to be all that's needed to turn you on.

I agree with the comments saying that it's likely you and your wife are both submissive. This incompatibility can be very tough to work out. The two of you could take turns acting the dominant role, but a naturally submissive person often can't act dominant convincingly and may really dislike trying to do that.

You say you've told her what you need in terms of foreplay and she can't seem to deliver. I don't know whether there's a solution, but you could try sharing some of the comments to this post with her. Several men wrote eloquently about what they need in terms of foreplay from their female partners.

https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/cnjarp/oral\_sex\_is\_not\_foreplay/