With my million dollars I would put $10,000 worth of speed bumps, stop signs, and school zones with no schools every where you go for the rest of your life. One week maybe you'll see a new stop sign - "Well that's never been there before..." The week after maybe 2 speed bumps and a weird fucking traffic pattern because of my stop signs. Suddenly you're late to work. Then you're late again. And again. And again. Now, your tardiness has made your boss unhappy with you and he is making you stay late. You and your wife slowly grow a part until your marriage dissolves like MSG in Chinese food. She takes everything you have at the end of the divorce, and because you were so stressed out your boss grew even more upset with you. All the while more and more stop signs, speed bumps, and school zones that make you say "What the fuck! There isn't even a school here!" continue to appear. Fuck it you say. You move towns. Five years later you get comfortable with your neighborhood and all of its roads..... "Wait...that's never been there before!" Immediately thinking back to this thread, you fumble pulling your phone out of your pocket. That is when it happens. It was instant. You didn't even know what hit you. That microwave you just heated up your hot pocket in? I had the residential model switched out for a large scale industrial version. Paid the guy at the warehouse $500 to do the swap. You thought your delicious breakfast would be ready to bite into after that perfect two minutes. The inside might still be a little cold but fuck it man you can't ever be late for work again, not after what happend five years ago. Little did you know that your hot pocket actually spent 2 minutes in the Faraday Cage from hell. That son of a bitch got so hot that, mid phone fumble, the moment your teeth breach the protective crust a rush of molten hot lava burns your tounge and the roof of your mouth. It's not McDonalds coffee lady hot, but just hot enough to ruin your sense of taste and make your soft palette feel all funny. With a burning mouth and phone face down on the floor mat you can't help but think "Seriously? What the fuck."
BUT SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER!
Camera men and a whole squad of people whos jobs I couldn't tell you come out of the wood work! You've been filmed this entire time!
I had you sign a contract 3 years prior to the pizza pain that you thought was "For something about some shit my wife was fucking doing or something" But actually you agreed to take part in the next biggest reality tv hit of the century!
The camera zooms out, pans a little to the left, catching the full extent of your discomfort and inconvenience. Season one ends and because of you and your shit-head redditor attitude I now have the most watch first season of any tv show of all time and you're a millionaire as well.
You're welcome.