I was abused and raped in one of my relationships, it lasted about 3 years until I managed to get out of it. We would break up, go out for a drink, I would blackout, and realize I had been used in many ways that I felt violated. This also happened during the course of our relationship, I would blackout a lot, he would use my body in painful ways I didn't consent to, and he would otherwise scream at me and make fun of me when we did interact, very controlling, very annoyed to have me around.

Afterwards, I started dating a really wonderful guy, but I really hated being intimate. I would ironically drink to cope with it, otherwise I would have panic attacks. I had some periods of promiscuity with other men, this worsened my self loathing similarly.

We broke up eventually, and eventually I stopped seeking a male companion / partner. While I missed the intimacy, the desire to cuddle and to actually receive that, I was able to approach my sexuality from a completely different perspective, as I could understand it alone, in a context I could completely guide.

I'm not completely better, but being single for a good number of years has helped so much. I used to feel really disgusting over my sexuality, I hated my body, etc. Sometimes I still do, and when it's bad, it's bad, but it's not as often.

You can heal but it does take time and effort. You have to believe you deserve to heal. You have to be able to recognize that feeling shame about sex is unhealthy, and you have to be able to move your mind in the direction that wants to see it as something else.

You may be wonderfully lucky in that you may find someone that can help you do this, but you don't need anyone to help yourself get better. You can move past it, it is absolutely possible, but it is a very personal thing that requires a lot of your own direction and desires.

Indulge yourself when you want to, when you can remember to choose between shame or satisfaction, try to move towards the latter. Avoid things that trigger panic attacks.

I still haven't been with a guy, but I can at least masturbate without feeling like my brain is being electrocuted into shame, self loathing and disgust. When I used to masturbate, I would instantly fall into that mindset, my body and mind literally felt separated, my mind would not let me enjoy my body and my body reacted to pleasure with pain. It sucks, it's not fair, and when your body reacts like this all the time, you can become convinced that you deserve it, and a lot of society enforces the stigma that women who act like such and such are <pejorative> and deserve to feel ashamed. It takes a lot of strength to heal but it absolutely can be done.

It is your life. People affect other people, there is no getting around that, and you are not weak for being affected by a person who treated you poorly. So there is the fact that bad things have happened, but you can heal. It is not always a conscious choice you can make, of how to feel and how to react, but you can keep working on it with the mindset that you will heal, little by little. What you experienced was verbally abusive and traumatic, and you have reacted and coped with that in the ways you best know how to, but you can learn to cope better and you can learn to overcome the negative effects of those experiences.

When I told my mom what had happened to me specifically, she said to me "I don't think I could ever have sex after that" and several people told me that for some people, it's just not in the cards for them. So I believed for a long time that I was damaged and I would never share loving sexual intimacy with anyone, ever, that I would never experience it. I still haven't, but I believe that I can, and I believe that I am doing things to be able to experience that when the opportunity arises.

I don't know if that helps. I just know I have experienced better feelings about my sexuality and body since I began approaching it as a problem I could solve, as a thing I could work on and improve, as something I believe I have control over. I have depression and anxiety as well, and I know that it is common to understand that some of those things can't be controlled through willpower alone. All I learned from that is that when I fail, I don't have to beat myself up about it, because sometimes I won't have control over it. So, don't be hard on yourself, don't rush yourself, don't feel like you have to do anything, don't feel like you have to change your mind. I can tell you to try to learn to love yourself again but I also know how terribly hard that can be. I keep trying, most of the time. I slip up a lot still. But to me, it's better to live assuming some positive things can happen, rather than being hopeless about the whole thing.