'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,

not a fucker was stirring, not even a mouse.

My socks were hung by the fire to dry,

and some asshole filled them with Legos, which made me cry.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

while pedophiles dreamed of kids licking their heads.

With my mum in her fishnets and my dad in his Trojan,

we'd just settled in for a long night of humpin'.

When out on the driveway there came such a loud noise, I thought

"Gee, I wonder who's been fucked by the boys."

The moon on the breast of my freshly-bought woman

gave a shine so mysterious I thought I'd started cummin'.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a grown-ass man, flying up high in the air!

With a fatass old man flyin' over my house, I got the gun and shot everything,

including the mouse.

More rapid than eagles, my bullets they flew,

and now more than ever I wish for a shotgun,

I do. But my Parkinson's done affected my aim, made miss the fucker, the bastard was trained! Into my house he invaded, with a sack full of guns, and I thought "Oh shit, we're through, we're all fucked, I'm done." But no, I was wrong, for the strange bender winked, and began to disarm the $1000 Brinks. Somehow the asshole knew our secret code, and he disarmed the system. God, he must weigh 12 Stone! I watched as he worked, filling our sacks with ammunition, and began fixing his hunger inside of my kitchen. He grabbed a few cookies and ate them sans care, and he then he stopped working and started sucking up air! It occurred to me that the dumbass was choking, and then he collapsed, his chest still convulsing. Knowing just what to do, I dragged him outside, and threw him in a dumpster, hoping he'd fit inside. Then I did the same for the hooker, caught in crossfire she was, and grabbed his sack and put it over the two of them, it was for a good cause. To this day I know not what killed St. Nick, but for all that I know he choked on some dick.