I was thinking about how I spent quite a while trying to find just the right words to tell you what your kindness meant to me and into you into my life. Then, I spent months wishing I had been honest about the fact that I thought I might really like you, but was absolutely not ready to be anything other than friends at the moment. When I finally said those words, so many months had passed. You didn’t acknowledge or respond to my statement and I’m pretty sure whatever interest you may’ve once felt had slowly faded away.

I was thinking a few days ago about how I really should be ready and able to move on and seek a happy healthy relationship with someone new. Not that I want to rush it or seek out someone just for the sake of not being along, but it’s been over a year since he and I separated. Just because the legal process of divorce is being drawn out, my feelings have been consistent. The feelings for him are gone. I feel better in a way that’s hard to describe; lighter, happier, stronger.

When you and I started talking so many months ago, getting closer to you felt scary and almost wrong. It doesn’t really feel like that anymore, but you’re gone, so I guess it doesn’t really even matter. And if you do still like me, I don’t think you like me all that much. Maybe it’s indifference, I’m not sure and I’ve stopped trying to figure it out.

So, I guess I’ll just be open. I won’t seek or chase love from you or anyone else. But I am definitely feeling more open to moving on completely and hoping that I can find that kind of love I was missing for so long. If you want me, I hope you reach out. I hope you tell me or give me some kind of clear sign.

The door is closing. It’s not because my feelings about you changed, but because I’ve been waiting with the door open for such a long time and I don’t believe you want to come inside. Maybe you never did. It messes with my head and tugs on my heartstrings. The now knowing and the wanting, the overthinking and the questioning, it’s consumed too much of my time. It’s taken up too much of my headspace. Either you want me or you don’t. Either I matter to you or I don’t.

I think I don’t. And while I do not at all understand it, I can’t leave my heart here waiting for someone who doesn’t even want it. I won’t do that to myself.

::heavy sigh::

What’s meant to be will be, if I am open and have faith in divine timing. If you actually aren’t meant to be in my life, you will be. If you never reach out, maybe it was never meant to be. Good things will come my way, if I am patient and believe.