Neil DeGrasse Tyson on Indiana Law: Homophobia ‘Almost Always Entirely Stems from Religion’

I remember when Ashton Kutcher called me. It was the happiest day of my life.

I, a 15-year-old girl from Maryland, had been in love with Ashton as long as I could remember, ever since seeing his masterpiece Dude, Where's My Car? It was a foggy August evening, and I was preparing to watch season 2 of The Gilmore Girls on DVD when suddenly my phone rang. The name came up: Ashton Kutcher. I had tracked down his personal phone number and added it to my contacts list in anticipation of this day, but I never really believed it would happen.

I told him how handsome he was, and I asked him if Kevin Costner was nice in person. He laughed and told me I was beautiful. He had Mila with him. She told me she liked my hair, and she wanted my phone number so she could get to know me better. It was so amazing. I felt like the most special girl in the world.

Then Ashton kept calling me. First every week. Then every night. Early on it was lovely. He told me all about being on TV, and his favourite people to Punk. I told him about how lame high school was. He agreed that high school was very lame.

But then he started saying strange things. He kept talking about my dog Patches, who died when I was 9. He kept telling me that Patches was very happy, but a little hungry. He kept asking me to come swimming with him under the full moon at midnight, but when I asked where he just said, "The dark waters will come to you." Then one night he told me Mila was with him again. He said he would put her on the phone, but all I heard was a raspy growling sound, and maybe like a goat or something.

It got to the point where as soon as I picked up the phone he would ask, "What do we feed to the restless souls?" and he would hang up when I didn't have an answer for him. After two weeks of this I finally shouted out, "The blood of the innocent ... or maybe White Castle." He gave a rich, handsome laugh and thanked me for my answer. He told me he would see me soon.

I haven't heard from him since. But I notice that it is 11 pm on the full moon, and the tide is coming in further than usual.

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