(Cont'd) My grandmother was always pretty depressed raising us (I think it was undiagnosed depression) and she had a slew of health issues including congestive heart failure even though she did the best she could with us. She was disabled. Right before I was a teen,she decided to marry a man that practically help send her to the grave,and brought discord to our family. While my grandmum was with this man,her health declined and she even went through being homeless.She was lonely raising kids that aren't hers.My grandmother passed away in 2011.A year later her bastard of a husband died as well.
When I was 17,i left home because I couldn't stand the disfunction in our household. The yelling,the fighting. I didn't graduate high school and had to figure out how to take care of myself. Mental illness is within my family. I have another aunt who is also mentally unstable and needs an attendant.
My brother and I are quite different. We have had numerous arguments over small things,but when my grandmum passed,my brother did something which I thought was very spiteful.I didn't speak to him literally until just now to hopefully square away what transpired and for acknowledgement of my feelings. He is extremely stubborn and stagnate emotionally. NOTHING good came of that conversation.
My family is quite dysfunctional overall. There is strife,backstabbing and mental illness. I have cut myself off from anything that has brought me heartache through the years such as my father,mother,and even brother who did something distasteful and can't even apologize for it. I FEEL ALONE. And hurt that all I wanted was to have a loving family,and all I have experienced is pain,abandonment, and really fucked up family members including my brother. Our family is small. But not loving. Its almost as if people have developmental,psychological and emotional issues. I have cut myself off from everyone because I can't deal with the drama. I have to take care of myself because there are ways I was not taken care of when I was younger, and I am still dealing with some of the trauma.
No one in my family has achieved ANYTHING. I have excommunicated myself from everyone because I can't take the stress anymore. I feel like they will all drag me down with their issues. I don't tell anyone about my family life because they simply don't understand why I have had to make this decision to.... SAVE MY LIFE. I grew up fighting depression as well, and today I am still fighting it because of so many tragic things that has happened.
***Has anyone else been through excummunicating your family to assure that you are....as okay as you can be? I feel ALONE often and in disbelief about all that has happened,but I feel ashamed to share this with anyone. It feels abnormal. I have no idea what to say regarding my family and all of the discord. It worries me when I think of having a partner and sharing my....life. There isn't many good things to talk about at times. I was dating this guy,and was honest about my upbringing and he was extremely judgemental and not understanding of ANYTHING. This is why I am always concerned about revealing what my upbringing and family is truly like......Thoughts?