Hi,

That's what's keeping me going. I am 17 and live in London UK. I am apparently severely depressed, and sometimes feel suicidal. I am very academically talented and my teachers say I have potential to do amazingly at Cambridge Uni.

Since January I have hit a period in my life of self realisation and see the world in a completely different light. I became atheist and vegetarian and also realised that I am depressed. My parents have been supportive of everything, even though they don't agree.

I wrote a poem a while back, which I deleted here, which I might post again. It might tell you some more about me.

I think I have matured too quickly for my age - that probably sounds obnoxious/arrogant, but that's how I feel. I am a down to earth person and that's becoming more literal as well - I crave to be with nature and live with the earth more and more every day.

I am doing A levels now - and I have stopped caring about them totally now. Predicted all A's but I know I won't get them because I haven't properly studied in weeks. First exam is in less than three days.

I want to run away from it all, but I have no money. You need money for everything. Freedom is a lie.

I wanted to travel the world and see different places, people and cultures, different plants and animals, to experience different tastes and hear different sounds. Now I don't care about anything much.

I usually just lie in bed to pass time. I wrote this post then went to sleep, and just woke up now, so am feeling a bit better.

Right now, the burning desire to run away has come back.

I don't know what I'm typing anymore, so I'll paste that poem I was talking about. It's poorly written (a rush of thoughts after I came out of the shower), but rhymes somewhat. Anyway, here goes.

I’m an emotional wreck, Except my only expressions Are manifestations Of depression.

How did I get so low? I don’t know, Been evolving over the years, Now the only thing I know are tears.

When I think about life, I just sigh or I cry, Wondering as I wander through it, Was I just born to die?

I long to get high, And at the same time, – to end this all and die. I want to escape from this state, And at the same time – to have this all end today.

I see the world around me go deeper into ruin, People don’t even realise what they are doin’. Wars, famine, extinction of species, I wish everyone could be moral and not greedy.

Living in a state of zero, With less ups and more downs, Lost interest in everything, Now only short lived pleasure or fun.

A slave to money and capitalism, Bound down and constrained, I wonder to myself, there must be another way, What if I run away from it all? To get lost to find myself, To love the life I live, and to live the life I love.

I wanna see the mountains, I wanna see the seas, I want to travel cities, I want to be amongst the trees. I wanna be free, I want to breathe, I wanna be at one with nature, And to be at one with myself, None of this is possible – Instead I must go through hell.

I love hearing the birdsong in the morning, The sun in my face, staring out in the open air, Sometimes I wish I was a bird, I could fly away and not care.

The vicious cycle of humanity: Born, school, job, die This is the pattern I so despise. Nobody owns my time, Nobody owns my mind. But I am a slave to the system, Still an internal struggle to be free, To live by my own rules, and to be happy.

But back to reality, Dreaming is only a temporary release, I must endure my captivity, Nobody ever escapes the beast.

Even if I were to go, Who would even care or know? Just another death amongst the millions. At the end of the day, I am just a conscious lump of nerve and bone.