hey kid. this may not apply to you directly, but hope it provides some perspective. I am 23, M, and I have medication resistant rapid cycling bipolar disorder type 2, with mixed episodes and psychotic depressions. look that up it is fun. I experience at least 20 crippling depressive episodes a year, with hypomanias in between. sometimes I'm some shade of normal, but not often. my life is in shambles at the moment, and it kind of always has been. i tried to kill myself at 16, 19, 22. it's almost never been completely away from my mind. I dropped out of high school and college because of this, and have ruined countless friendships and lost girlfriends and even my family, only one sister will talk to me. straight up because my moods are uncontrollable, totally removed from external stimuli bc let's be real it's hard to be fun to be around when you are quite literally not in control of your self. it's harder to not be in control of how you feel though, and unfortunately it's hard for some people to get that.

i've been pursuing treatment for a year. I've found a combination of pills that is starting to work. it's going real slow but it is going. therapy teaches coping skills that honestly everybody could learn. it's not like "let's talk about your mom" shit it's like "what warning signs can we recognize when I'm gonna go manic? oh yeah my face breaks out two or three days before. I'll make sure to tell people to let me know if my face has broken out, and plan what to do when that happens!" and "ten secret tricks to minimizing stress in your life they don't want you to know about (but actually works)" and it's about acknowledging that most people don't feel how i do and whatever, it's not about them it's about me and living to my potential and me being happy. I'm making progress. my life is finally bearable, usually. never thought I'd be able to say that. I have a pretty long way to go and I will have relapses, even being medicated. I'll deal with those when they come. I'm at an upswing. and if I'd succeeded on that first attempt, or the second or third, i wouldn't be here now to see the beginning of the upswing. you can definitely make it through, and genuinely feel better. you do not have to do it alone.