Thanks

Wall of text warning!

That's true but I guess my problem has to do with this idea in my head that its too late for me to make these kinds of major changes, I have been living this act or whatever you want to call it for so long that I don't know anything else. If I wasn't so sure that I need to change there wouldn't even be an issue, I mean I learned the wrong lessons growing up every time I tried to present myself differently life knocked me down and instead of not giving a fuck I just accepted it but yeah, now I'm miserable and I'm ready explore what I was too afraid to explore when I was younger. I was able to keep the condo I inherited all the while taking care of my aunt just as an aside and I had security, etc but no free time and in order to keep up appearances I didn't go to the clubs, meet guys, experiment with drugs, etc. I've had one on again off again girlfriend and the sex was meh and honestly it was a codependent relationship with no trust or real intimacy. I'm definitely attracted to women but at the same time I really want to experiment with guys,most of my fantasies revolve around being with a guy but as a woman. I think I'm transgender actually but I can't emotionally handle that right now so it's like I want to explore living as a gay/bi? man and just see where it goes. The problem is, apparently no one detects this in me, when I spoke to some close friends and family about it they were shocked so now I just assume that I can't seriously get into lgbt spaces. I don't know what to do really life is just hitting me now with "interest payments included " so to speak. When everyone else was figuring out who they were I stayed inside taking care of sick people and besides being attractive and intelligent I don't have any real skills and I do not have a social network, I feel like an outsider everywhere I go. Honestly does that make sense or am I just being ridiculous? Idk anymore. Sorry if this is too long&involved btw.