My roommate killed herself about three years ago. She had talked about it before, but not in a 'I want to die' kind of way... she used to say that she wished she could have just never existed at all. I knew she had been sexually assaulted as a kid, and again as a teen. She had told me of one prior suicide attempt, when she was 14 after her mother's boyfriend hit on her and her mother blamed her for it. Anybody who wasn't me and one other friend had no idea that anything was up with her: she was beautiful, talented, social and had the most beautiful smile.
It was awful. Truly and absolutely awful. I'm honestly shocked that her mother hasn't followed suit. She may have been a crappy mom, but she was a single working mom with two daughters and a minimum wage housekeeper job. Last time I saw her, the guilt had eaten her alive. She was barely a person. I'm sure that she would trade her soul to give her daughter another chance.
I was the one who informed her sister that she was dead. The way she screamed is something I will carry with me until the end of time. She has a (now 8 year old) nephew that still asks where she is. It's this kid I feel the worst for. My roommate's aunt had, when she was young, drowned her children and then slit her own wrists. It's like she had this idea that that was her predetermined destiny, too. It left such a huge scar for her, I am worried about her nephew being in the same situation.
No one tells you how much work someone's death is. Call the police. Wait for the ambulance. Go to the hospital. Try to fill out papers. Inform her family. Wait. Claim the body. Wait. Find a funeral home. Suddenly no more waiting - mad rush to get the body into the ground. Make 100 decisions like it's a fucking wedding. Do you want flowers? Should there be food? What color lipstick? Eyeliner? Realize you have to invite people. Try to contact everyone who might matter in 3 days. Wake. Bury. Go home. Try to live with yourself and the several grand you're now in debt to try to make someone's death pretty.
I think about her every single day. I still have our dog. There is a small shrine to her in my home. I light candles and speak to her.