Throwaway because people like to trace my usernames

I kind of told them, had an existential crisis because everyone around me was turning my life into a sexual nightmare, and I basically just weeped into my bed and told my parents basically "I dont know".

I later found out that I am Demi-Seuxal, stupid tumblr sexuality I know but it fits me better than anything else. Guys or girls, doesn't really matter to me at all. I like people for who they are, it just takes a while for me to get sexually attracted to them.

Found out and told all my friends, but got varying amounts of support from everyone. (My friend asked me if I want to "fuck toasters") Didn't tell my parents about my sexuality. Fast forward a few weeks and I get into a relationship, fun and everything, sure. But when it came down to kissing/cuddling it just felt, wrong. Relationship ends, and girls start pushing me out of their lives because I am a "guy".

People called me rapist and molester in middle-school, so the sex barrier has always been hard on me. Especially because I just tend to spend more time with girls (I have a more feminine personality). I have been getting thoughts of self mutilation, and at this point I'm having trouble calling myself human. I went from 215 lbs to 155 lbs as well, so I have gone through a lot of change, but no matter how much I lose or gain everyone has a problem with my body. My friends often accuse the male sex of being orgasm hungry monkeys. I don't masterbate, the depression and anxiety from it drives me to suicidal thoughts too quick.

At this point I just don't even know anymore. I dont want to have sex with anyone, I just want to love and be loved back. And fuck porn, that shit is gross.