Don't mind if I just rant for a bit, yeah?
Stressed, tired, confused, depressed, insecure, pathetic.
Stressed because of school. You would think my aptitude for school would carry over to college but I think it's honestly gotten worse and I think I'm starting to care less/lose my enthusiasm. I think my focus in my core classes is okay but these side classes... I can't focus enough on them to care about them (plus other little issues in my life overshadow them).
Tired because I've had a few nightmares over the past week, which sucks because it's my spring break meaning I should be getting more sleep, but more sleep means I dream more, and these dreams that came sucked. Overall I had felt more relaxed, but the most recent nightmare (this morning) affected me so much I started mixing it with my actual experiences (at times I question if they were dreams or not).
Confused with where I'm going and who I currently am. Ever felt a wave of emotions and wondered if they are your true emotions or if you're just feeling them in the heat of the moment, only to forget them moments later? I felt that earlier in the week and even now, I'm not sure where I stand on them. It alternates between a great deal of emotion and emptiness, and I'm not sure which one I'm more comfortable with, or if I should even seek the more comfortable one (running away is a solution right?).
Depressed because I started questioning myself as a person, and I don't even know what emotions I should be following. Honestly I just feel hormonal at times, and at other times I question if I even care. You would think puberty would be long gone by the time I'm in college.
Insecure because I don't know what to do. Am I just setting myself up for failure? What am I doing even ranking about my problems at midnight, for no one to read, no one to care, no one to help. Do I even need help? Is this a cry for help or a cry for attention. Maybe it would be better if I just deleted this now... but I'm guessing one insignificant post somewhere in the depths of AskReddit wouldn't attract too much attention (I can always delete this later right?). Also insecure about my body, in which I want to change my lifestyle in order to feel better about myself physically. Though if you look at it, maybe I'm just looking to change up my life, for being to standard.
Pathetic because this little insignificant issues aren't worth dealing with. People have real problems, like my friend's dad died earlier this year (and look, I don't even remember when, what a friend I am). I think it was recent, but I don't see them grieving, so I asusme they don't even need help, but I'm sure they're hiding it. At least I would. Maybe like I am right now, except my feelings alternate, so at times, I just laugh at these problems. Like honestly, the worst part of all of this is that these really are stupid insignificant problems, that only the lucky few have to deal with. School problems? Love problems? Dealing with feelings? People have real problems where their problems can't be overcome with just will, and I'm here complaining to the internet about random bullshit. Though I guess I do understand, because I sometimes step back and realize I'm making a big deal of all this in my head, and laugh, become oddly happy (content would actually describe it better, but just typing that I was happy makes me feel kinda happy), and slightly bittersweet.
Actually, thanks for whoever perhaps may have read or skimmed through this. It feels like getting this off my chest and changing up my music to more happier music has lightened my mood. Just goes to show you how stupid my problems were and how a little change of pace can make even the most dramatic of people happy again. Though I guess if I dwell on it, I start to feel kind of bittersweet, but who cares, the new me doesn't.