I'm pretty picky, and sensitive to things but here's my feedback. I look at super small intricacies in the writing. I read the first 5 pages, no, sometimes, only the first page, and decide whether it's a good story or if the play is well written. I'm sure you have a great premise, and a good story but I get too sidetracked by the dense dialogue, it doesn't contribute much. Dialogue can be dense, as long as the writing is rich in content or VOICE. But you have a lot of unnecessary words in it.
First I instantly got comedy from, this is not based on a true story. You should add horror comedy to your genre in the box because I thought this was real horror, and was surprised. We all know, in a good story, there should be NO SURPRISES. Everything should be foreshadowed. The dialogue needs work. Some of the description isn't really clear. I think what most people miss when it comes to writing is CLARITY for the reader. A logical flow of events and dialogue.
page one: not sure why Lucy mentions Takako Konoshi while they're baking brownies. Doesn't seem like it fits unless you merge this scene and the next. Because there's no reason given WHY we should care about Takako at this point. Dialogue needs to be re worked. We need to know why she's reading it, why Lucy cares about it, and what's special about it, in the dialogue, yes tough I know. But doable.
Int. Oven Night We are INSIDE OF AN OVEN. Next to a tray of sizzling brownies, when the fogged glass door opens, spanning out to the kitchen. ELLIE, 19, a beautiful blonde, peers in. She takes them out just in the nick of time. SLAMMING the oven shut.
Int. Kitchen In the quaint kitchen space, Ellie checks on her brownies. Ellie: Ow! Still hot. Next to her, Lucy, also 19, sits at a the dining room table opposite, zoned in, at her Laptop computer, focused on reading. Ellie (ConT'd): Hey. Thanks for letting me use your oven. I couldn't get mine to work. Something about a blown fuse bulb.. or I don't know. Lucy (zoned out): What? Ellie: Never mind. What are you reading? Lucy: A story about Takako Konishi. Ellie: Who? Lucy: Remember the scene in Fargo, when Steve Buscemi's character burried that bag of money in the snow? Ellie: Yeah. Wait, carl right. Lucy: Yeah. Well, she is the psycho bitch that flew half way around the world to FARGO -- too look for it. Ellie: What about her family? She left them? Lucy: She didn't have any. No one knew she was even gone. Ellie: Creepy. Did she find the money? Lucy: No. But the next morning, the Fargo Police Department found her body by the [ ] lake, where they shot the scene. Ellie: Whoa, just like the shining. Lucy: Only, this was real. Makes you think why someone would do something like that.
The egg timer hits zero, the alarm rings out, blaring.
reverse on
Three huge movie posters crudely tapes to the wall behind them.
(That's a pretty good start heh)
Do you think it was true? That's what it says...