I've been thinking about it lately after losing the one guy I had the balls to approach for a relationship. Now, my stupid mind is going "You're 18 next month, /u/Doktaplayer. What's the worst that could happen?" (Sure, I'm technically legal under my state's laws but there's extra rules to certain shit).

There's a lot of stuff that could go wrong. For one, the whole reason why hookups are offputting for me is that my gay grandfather (Kind of a long story) did some messing around when he got divorced, got HIV and died when I was two. Never got to speak to him on a coherent level and I don't want to go into the same grave. Yes, I know that HIV is much more treatable these days but given my family's financial state, if it were to happen, it would be a culling strike to an already dismal state of affairs.

Second off, and probably the most saddening one is that quite simply....I'm just too goddamn ugly. I've sort of started sympathizing with catfishes, to be honest. I didn't necessarily catfish but I basically tricked my mind into believing that a guy way out of my league would be even remotely interested in me and holy hell, that high is something that can't be replicated. I was way more motivated than I used to be, I actually had a reason to get out of bed and I wouldn't resent God a little more for keeping me alive another day struggle to pull myself out of bed for a good hour before I actually start my day, I was sleeping on time, eating right, you name it. It made me so happy even if I knew in the back of my mind that he eventually would kick me in the face (And he did very recently). Now? I understand why catfishes catfish. Having that rush all of the time would be heaven and an easy way to do it would be to mask yourself as somebody in a way higher league than yourself. I'm rambling.

Alright, I'm a goddamn freak. My teeth look like some kind of horror movie monster because of my mom's neglect in my earlier years, my body does me no favors even though I try to do daily walks (I lost my motivation to do my cardio workouts when it became more and more apparent that the guy simply wasn't going to work) and I will never be taught how to improve my appearance by my parents. My friends have helped me a little bit with my hair but that doesn't fix a shitty face (I look like a younger Bubba Ray Dudley for fuck sake. I could legit cosplay him). I'm picky enough with the guys I'm into as is so being "desperate craigslist fuck at best, third wheel at worst" appearance wise will probably kill my sex life.

I hate living like this, I hate being the helping hand in all of my friend's relationships while they go off, have the time of their lives, lose their virginity and possibly move in together as time goes on meanwhile I sit here, alone and miserable chasing after guys that will never love me and when I actually get to have a conversation with them (After hours, days, weeks of building courage), I get laughed off and get asked if I'm a bot or a troll because "Why the hell would I want to go out with a guy like you?". It makes me feel like I keep building up my hope just so it can be knocked down, why should I even try if I know what the answer will be.