Keeping in mind that its been a while since I've read the books, I'd like to add to your points.

The only POV characters who I can remember being (or talking about being) raped are Dany, and Cersei. The three unsuccessful attempted rapes are Jaime, Brienne, and Sansa.

For Dany, that first night with Drogo, I definitely got the sense that it was meant to be a Harlequin Romance style "ravishment". As in, it would totally fit the definition of rape in the real world, but because it's a book and we get a peek at her inner monolog, it's not "really rape".

For Cersei, her repeated marital rapes at Robert's hand are one of the few times she'll talk about her feelings at all. The emotions associated seem to just burst out of her, even though she's usually a very secretive and guarded woman. It's very clear that being married to a man she doesn't want to have sex with is the worst thing that's ever happened to her.

Brienne is saved from being raped by Jaime, and that's a huge bonding experience between them. She obviously has a great amount of gratitude to her savior. He also saves her from being eaten alive by a bear, which I'm sure adds to it.

Jaime doesn't seem to talk about or be traumatized by his attempted rape. He also suffered a very successful mutilation shortly thereafter, so I guess he just had more on his mind. Later on, he becomes one of the few leaders to actually punish his men for rape. Even going so far as to execute one, when it seems the usual punishment is castration or a life on the wall.

Sansa is definitely the most traumatized of the three who suffered unsuccessful attacks. She doesn't ever use the word "rape" to refer to the event, but she's very shocked to learn that people hate her and want to hurt her. So we see some clear recognition by a character of rape as a weapon.

Personally, I think the series does a good job of showing a wide variety. In the reactions of the victims (not very traumatized, other things on their mind, lifelong trauma that will always haunt them) the mentality of the perpetrator (feels entitled to his wife, used as a wartime weapon, hasn't seen a woman in months, thinks it's a false accusation) and in the reactions of third parties (ordering it, doesn't care, thinks it's funny, horrified by it and wants the rapist dead, just another criminal to be dealt with).

It's a complex issue, and of course no work of fiction could ever encapsulate every aspect involved, nor should we expect it to. But I think the books do a decent enough job of showing the wide variety of ways it can happen, and what the victim might go through afterwards.