I have the same reaction, as a guy. I want it, i kind of crave and seek it in unhealthy ways but I'm allergic to it in a healthy way. If I get to close to it I turn into a raging lunatic and generally burn it to the ground. So I don't get it.

It's a fundamental human need. It's one of those things everyone needs to feel "healthy" and whole. If you don't understand the 'importance' you're one of few rare people who feel absolutely no desire for human connection or kinda always have it so you don't know what not having it is and maybe think it's easy to pick up for everyone.

So why cry? Well, it's a reminder that I don't have it, but want it, destroy it when I have it and can't seem to stop myself. Who wants to feel the feeling of being unlovable? That you got so mentally/emotionally fucked up you can't have a functional relationship with anyone? I feel broken beyond repair, and ultimately that my time on this planet was a giant joke, waste of time and of no consequence, not experiencing some of humanities better qualities, while getting to experience humanities worst qualities in abundance. It all feels like one big ass joke. And it's frankly upsetting thinking about working on obtaining something your whole life only to find out you can't have it. So do you learn to accept and live without it, or risk finding out it's not in your deck of cards? All time was spent not having it and working to be capable of simply just holding it without breaking it that I've yet to even dip a toe into it, and it's something a lot if not most people seem to just randomly stumble into somewhere in the late teens to early 30s, and likely already had one to four+ fold growing up. So everyone's on like round 6+ and I'm still sitting on round 0 trying to figure out how to not drop this shit so I start the first round. So there's a bit of anger too. I cry when I get angry too. That confuses people too. So do I really deserve it? Cause if you met me for more than 5 minutes you'd probably bounce too and decide you need to amend your statement. And really that's the saddest part of it. You even understand people should not want to deal with you and you can't even blame people for abandoning you. You're fully aware you're shitty. Can't even atleast offput the negative feelings onto someone else. You just gotta throw that in your bagback too and carry it around.