My anxiety and depression have come back at full force so I'm considering asking the doctor for benzodiazepines everyday so I can at least do this one job assignment to not be completely useless :( I really don't want to take benzos often and I don't even know if it will help for a longer time but I'm literally going out of my mind here, feeling suicidal for weeks and nothing helps, at all. Therapy didn't help, TMS helped and then stopped working, have to take more and more antidepressants just to keep moving, hobbies make me feel like a failure after a while, crafts activities at the hospital make me feel worse after having to deal with people.

I start talking to random people on the internet all the time, commiserating about mental issues but it peters out since we have nothing else in common and they're far away. I try to just find random friends to have a conversation but it's utterly inane. The few friends I have left, I can't bear calling them up just to endlessly whine about my problems since there's nothing else left in my life.

Xanax helps but I'm so scared of becoming dependent on it. Fuck.