Uhh, the New York Post is my favorite newspaper. I think it’s great, I read it every day. I like reading the New York Post because reading the New York Post is like talking to someone who heard the news, and now they’re trying to give you the gist. It’s like, you’d get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street and you were like, “WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?” and they’re like, “There’s a perv in Queens!” You’d be like, “All right, thank you.”
Or rather, it’s like someone read a better newspaper and now they’re trying to text you everything they can remember. Doesn’t have to be right, just has to be short. I really do love the Post, I read it a lot and there’s a hierarchy in the New York Post. Uh, different people that they like and different people that they don’t like. Uh, and if you pay attention, you can start to identify some of the rankings that they have.
Um, the number one thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post is an angel. An angel is a child who has died. That is the best thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post. The less amount of time you live, the better… in the eyes of the Post.
After that, under an angel is a hero. A hero is any man who does his job. You’ll a lot of times see headlines that are like, “Hero Tutor Teaches After School,” and you’re like “Yeah.”
Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are pervs. Pervs touch tots, tots are angels who haven’t died yet. There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. You’re either a tot or you’re dead and you’re an angel.
I did leave one out, sorry. Above perv is a bozo. A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. That guy’s a bozo!
I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife and it says “Tiger says he’s sorry, but Elin says ‘Beat it, bozo!’” No, she did not. She is from another country. And even if she was from this country, no one has said “bozo” in 1,000 years. Who was your source on that, New York Post? Some tiny old lady that chain smokes all day long? They met her in a parking garage and they were like “Madge, give us the scoop! What did Elin say to Tiger?” “Eh, she told him to ‘beat it, bozo.’”
- John Mulaney