Trauma is Trauma: A Mental Health Talk with Kevin Smith

This really made me think about the things I've suppressed for similar reasons.

I was bullied by my older sister for years. I think it started when I was about 9 and she was 12, when she got anorexia. I wasn't allowed to think I was good at anything, that people liked me, that I wasn't ugly, that my opinions mattered, or really that I had any value whatsoever. Nobody noticed or knew.

The specifics are such a blur, perhaps because I was young or perhaps because I hate thinking about it. But I do remember things like avoiding girls who expressed interest in me, because I thought as soon as I brought them home, my sister would immediately dispel any illusion they may have had of my worth. These feelings remain today, only internalized such that I assume my lack of value is apparent on its own.

My sister is a wonderful person today and I love her dearly. She was just a child then, and sick too boot, and now she is not. I've never talked to her about it because I know learning the effect she had on me would be devastating for her. I don't blame her at all, I blame the monster that took control of her while she was sick. But I don't really know what to do with myself.

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