I had a tiny little trigger that led me to walking out to my car and saying out loud "I'm a trans woman." It was 100% the most psychologically excruciating moment of my life, and I liken it to having feelings for the first time then suddenly realizing my primary emotion is anguish. I realized I had literally eroded my emotional wellbeing in exchange for continuing to have years of my life stolen from me. Thinking of friends who should have been sisters for life but there was always that thin barely perceptible wall that I couldn't understand, and wondering what it might have meant to realize it sooner. I literally had a dream where they were all at a table with me, consoling me and telling me I did my best and that they understand. Jesus I'm crying right now just thinking of that dream. I've had some lovely reconnections since starting to come out, but I can already tell I will never have that.