I've just seen this post. I agree whole heartedly with point number two (wanting appreciation without the over-the-top compliments), and I think I've found, in my constantly trying to find the right balance - an answer that works. The dishes being done is a constant struggle for me. I want the kitchen clean, I'm more than willing to do it, but I want recognition for it, otherwise it isn't worth my while. If I didn't get recognition last time, I'm quite hesitant to do it another time. My significant other is also an INTJ (it seems common for us, doesn't it?) who doesn't pick up on the social cues that we are so finely attuned to. We have to accept that and be blunt. Kind, but blunt. I've asked him to, if he sees me doing them, to come in to the kitchen, wrap his arms around me while I'm at the sink, tell me something sweet, kiss me on the cheek, verbalise any form of gratitude, and then leave me be while I complete the task. Now, while that seems overly instructive, and believe me I felt like a Nazi for spelling it out so directly and formally, he reciprocated wonderfully. Just having him take that small titbit of communication from me, and wanting him to make me feel loved, was the best reward ever. He slowly pieced it together with other tasks, and with gentle guidance (even though he insists on being very direct), we've improved a lot of my small insecurities regarding handling emotions attached to SUCH MUNDANE THINGS. But we can't help it. -shrug-

The second point I want to put out there is number 4. We like security in commitment. The idea of absolute monogamy with him for the rest of my life is just... Right. "until death do us part" is something that I already firmly believe in with us. "In sickness and in health" is also another very, very firm believe of mine. Come what may, I'm done. There is nobody else. I don't -see- other people as potential mates: sexual or romantic. It's like that radar was just switched to 'off'. Anything remotely attached to the words "stealing", "cheating", "lying", "blackmail", "rule breaking", etc are outright blasphemy to me. However, he being so mechanically minded, he doesn't share the same opinion. He sees sex and physical intimacy as just that: a physical act no different to passing a cup of coffee. He sees the intimacy as the meaningful discussions, which I do too of course, but he just has no regard for the emotional connection I have with him when it comes to sex. He's told me many a time that if I wasn't completely satisfied with him sexually, I should sought myself external means of getting off, because after all, it's just 'getting off'. - again, because he has no emotional attachment when it comes to sex. Me? I'm the total opposite. I've been reduced to tears from the euphoria I experience during intercourse quite a few times. It's a beautiful feeling, but I've come to accept that he just doesn't experience the same feeling I do. I embrace his personality and who he is as a person as he's such a brilliant man in so many other ways.

He's above all and beyond, he is my best friend, my mentor, a stable and lawful figure, and having been best friends with him for over a decade, I've come to trust him with my entire being. He has rubbed off on me though. From time to time, I've channeled his personality in certain situations where I wouldn't know how to otherwise react. Like the "layers" OP was talking about. It's a good influence to have, I think. For when times get tough and you don't know how to react because your emotions are so split between Feeling and Judging, I just withdraw and let my SO guide me, and so I become Thinking and Judging me. It's a self preservation motif. If it works for others, I'd be happy for them.