And I quote myself: "Everyone's talking about brawn, but they're missing that the Doctor's also have brains. 7 can potentially manipulate all of them, but all the post-7 Doctors know that. And, assuming 7 isn't aware of alternate universe Doctors, he might not be able to account for them. So let's assume the other Doctors immediately gang up on him. Hmm..I've got to think.
Alright, the Fatal 10th Doctor was good with rewiring, so let's assume he creates a gizmo to defeat the others. He, unfortunately, in-canon was actually rubbish with rewiring, so let's also assume it blows up in his face. The Third Doctor and the Sixth Doctor trade blows (6's karate skills were documented in the Ultimate Adventure), but 3 comes out victorious. 9 just goes old-school brawler on Shalka. They're both pretty good fighters--but Shalka loses because he's too dignified, while 9 doesn't give a toss about getting dirty. Then it's 9 vs 3. We'll go back to them in a moment.
5 tries to keep the rapidly eroding peace, until he bumps into 1 and calls him "a violent young incarnation who was extremely arrogant." In response, 1 canes 5 viciously, calling him "an ungrateful young weakling." 10 and Metacrisis go to 5's aid, but 12 comes out of nowhere and glasses them both. 10 is a little bruised, but Metacrisis is out cold. 12 calls a time-out to get Metacrisis to an ambulance. Everyone stops fighting and helps out, because even when they're having a brawl, they are still Doctors.
Then the fight starts again. 1 sees War. "So you destroyed my home, hmm?" "Did what I had to do." 9 suddenly stops fighting 3 and aims to punch War, but accidentally hits 1 instead. Nowit's a four-way fight between 9, 3, 1, and War. War and 9 both fight savagely, but 9 has slightly more experience and lays out War flat. 1 uses the cane to great effect--longer reach is very helpful against multiple opponents--but 9 and 3 work together and win. They start to fight again, but then decide to just call it a draw and team up. For now.
On the other side of the parking lot, it's 4 vs Fatal 9, 2 vs Fatal 11, and 12 vs 8. 4 tries to strangle Fatal 9 with the scarf, so F9 goes back in time to make sure the scarf was never made. It works--and then F9 is still choked to unconsciousness, as 4 says "You think I don't have spares?" 2 crossdresses as a woman, and F11 runs screaming out of the parking lot. (How did 2 find the time or clothes to crossdress? I'll explain later.) 12 glasses 8 consistently, who isn't doing too well. 7 laughs in the background.
Wait. Everyone else stops fighting for a second. Wasn't 7 supposed to be tied up or something? Everyone's too scared to even touch 7, who's just smiling while playing the spoons. Daring someone to make a move.
They decide to just ignore him. 9 and 3 jump out at 12. (8 runs off, and is about to leave, until he's tripped by someone in heels and dragged off.)
12 is just dodging like crazy. 3 throws blow after blow, while 9 headbutts like a mad bull. 12 then jumps in his TARDIS, and leaving his door open, throws glasses onto 9's and 3's heads while flying up in the air. Well, that just pisses everyone off, and 4 quickly grabs a gizmo from Fatal 10's pocket and shoots it at 12, knocking him down. 3 finishes him off with a quick chop to the gut.
It's just 2, 4, 3, and 9 in the parking lot now (with 7 in the background). 3 and 9 battle against 2 and 4. 2 nearly wins, but trips on the long dress he's still wearing. 4 fights valiantly, but a scarf can only do so much. 3 and 9 are victorious.
They look at each other, laugh, and decide to go get another drink. Only 7 is left in the parking lot.
7 taps his foot. "I know you're out there," he says.
From the bushes emerges a blonde woman with stylish heels. "I'm an unknown to you. You literally have no idea what I'm capable of ," said the 13th Doctor.
"Indeed. However, you know that I'm capable of anything," said 7. "What of the 12th Doctor? The one who looked all pretty."
"I dealt with him already," said the Doctor. (In the background, you could hear the muffled screams of the tied up F12 Doctor, as well as the 8th.) "Afraid of me?"
"Not really," said 7. "Not because of your gender, mind you, but because my mind's already formulating a plan to beat you."
"Show-off," the Doctor said as she straightened out her dress. Then, less confidently, she said "Let's call it a draw, hmm?"
7 thought for a moment. Finally, he said "I hate draws," tore off his shirt, and flew at the other Doctor. I'll leave the winner to your imagination.
(Oh, and 11? He got bored with the fighting and went back to chat with the bartender.)"
I had no Valeyard, though; I like the idea he was texting pics to the Master!