I had to give up my dog three times.

First time was when I broke up with my ex; we had a place together and because I couldn't afford rent on my own I opted to move out, thereby having to leave my pup behind. I had him since he was just a few months old, but the day I packed up and left he was frantically barking and yelping; I'm sure he knew something was wrong, but there was nothing I could do as I didn't really have a solid grasp on where I would be staying until an old friend from school took me in.

Second time was several months later when I was couch surfing at said friend's place, and I got a call from the ex saying she no longer wanted to care for the dog; I searched for a humane adoption place that wasn't a kill shelter, and luckily found one last minute before she was going to voluntarily surrender him to a local animal shelter. It was basically a dog sanctuary, where the pups were allowed to mingle with each other, be fed, and cared for until someone came to adopt them. The owner of the place made it a personal mission to ensure the dogs would be adopted into a proper and loving home, so it gave me more confidence leaving him there. I recall reading about how puppies will forget their owners if they're out of touch for about a year or so, but I assumed he would have forgotten me by then; as soon as I saw him to pick him up from my ex, he was just absolutely ecstatic to see me. I had become his favorite for some reason when I had him, and he simply would not leave my side even when I took him to the dog park that I thought was for the last time. Dropping him off at the animal adoption center killed me; I couldn't stop crying as I left him there, and he had this confused look on his face the whole time as if he knew I was leaving him again. I tried to plea with my roommate to keep him, if even temporarily until I find a new place to make room for my dog, but he wouldn't budge on the issue of not wanting a pet in the house (he owns the house, so I had to respect his call).

Third and final time was when the same adoption center called me saying that my dog cannot stay there any longer, because he had shown signs of aggression to the other dogs and potential candidates for adoption. It was enough to isolate him from other dogs and he had been sitting alone in his own spot for a better part of a week or so; all the negative emotion of losing him came flooding back, and the owner said the only option for him if he is kept there is euthanasia, so I tried to spread word about someone, anyone, possibly adopting my dog; my girlfriend helped on that front too, but a few days have passed and the adoption center would only keep him for the end of that week. I scheduled for euthanasia because I had absolutely no financial means to live on my own, and I couldn't find anyone to take him in. It was the day before he was scheduled to be euthanized when my girlfriend's friend found someone who would take him in; my dog needed a lot of attention, and this potential owner always had family at home to care for him if she wasn't around. I took him to the dog park one last time, absolutely grateful that he didn't have to die so early in his life, and spent as much time with him as I could before I drove him one last time to the new owner. I made the trade as seamlessly as possible, doing my best to be strong and not show signs of breakdown to confuse my mutt any further; I passed him off to the new owner, who was just lovestruck with him and took him home. I looked at my side mirror while driving away, and he looked back at me one last time before he got into the new owner's car, and I was emotionally dead for a few weeks after.

I don't think I'll ever get over losing him; as frustrating as it was raising the little bugger he was always sweet, and despite the fact that he has a forever home now I still feel like I haven't done enough for him. Nothing but regrets and feelings of sheer loss from losing him, and the worst part is I'll never know how he is doing or watch him grow up.

I'm very happy he was a part of my life, however short it was, but damn.