What is the most funniest story you can tell without using the letter E?

Not funny, but still a story worth knowing, as it's a fascinating bit of nonfiction*.

Barack Obama was bouncing along joyfully, not a worry in sight.

"You win today, Barack," said Obama; "you win today! Got a dollar to blow—got a woman in tow—got a sick day from work—got a duty to shirk! How grand it is to blow a day on good old fun!"

Obama was bouncing toward a pizza parlor, Luigi's, that sold fantastic pan pizza. His plan was to buy and gulp down as much as his small tummy would allow.

"It's a good plan," Obama said, grinning. "Not a bad plan, anyhow. Is it altruistic? Is it assisting poor folks? Ah, no way. But it's yummy!"

And so it was in this train of thought that Obama got to his Luigi's, thinking only of pizza, his full tummy, and his own satisfaction.

But Obama was in for a shock. By Luigi's door was a tiny old lady sitting amidst bags of bird food.

"What's this?" Obama thought out loud.

"That bird woman from Mary Poppins," this old lady said. "Bird food? Two coins a bag."

(It was, in fact, Patti Woodard.)

"Now, look," said Barack with a sigh. "I don't want to bring you down, but shut up, you crazy, good-for-nothing old witch. I'm going to blow this cash on pizza! This is my food! My food!"

"You look," was all Bird Woman said. A gnarly digit was thrust toward a baby bird hopping up and down.

Just as Barack was about to blast forth a string of horrifying insults and profanity, this baby bird said, with a racking cough, "Oh, sir, could you find it in your soul to gift a poor orphan such as yours truly with a crumb or two from your pizza, should you opt to buy any on this cold but promising day?"

Barack thought for a bit, his vision growing cloudy with growing sympathy.

"No way," Obama said at last, bursting into a broad grin. "I did my part with ACA. Not bad, though. I was almost crying just now."

And so, striding into Luigi's with a nod and a laugh, Obama got his pizza, and it was amazing.

* Not truly

/r/AskReddit Thread