I feel absolutely horrible and a massive piece of shit for thinking thinking this.

I'm tired of my mom being sick. She was a closet alcoholic my entire childhood and as of about 5 years ago she started experiencing liver problems and eventually led to her needing a liver transplant. She was in and out of the hospital multiple times. It got so bad that on three separate occasions She literally was inches from dying. Throughout this entire time I was struggling to get through college. I couldn't focus on anything because I was terrified my mom was going to die. Fortunately, she got a new liver about a year ago.

I thought we were in the clear, she would need to take a lot of medication. But, I thought we were done with the hospital visits and things could get back to normal. That was not the case, she was just diagnosed with throat cancer about a month ago. I feel awful for her, she can't catch a break and it kills me to see her so sick and scared. But, I'm tired of having to worry about her all the time. I've lived 4 hours away through the entire duration of her sickness. I've been depressed for so long because of so many factors that I've literally forgotten what I'm like normally. Being depressed is now my normal state.

I've had terrible thoughts and feel like an awful person for it. I'm tired of putting on a fake smile when I go to work or am around friends. I'm finally realizing I need to talk to someone. I need help, because I am approaching the stage where I won't be able to handle this anymore on my own.