Drug addiction and alcoholism runs in my family. Hard. Both sides of the family are filled with people with substance abuse issues who even into their 50s and 60s continued abusing.

I turn 21 this year and I've already been drinking and using drugs since I was 14. Recently I hit my worst point and spent over a thousand dollars on cocaine and ecstasy in three weeks and took every single bit of it in that time. I did four hundred dollars worth of cocaine in one weekend the very last time that I got high.

I decided that was the end. I wasn't going to get high and I'd get sober. It's only been a month and a half and even though my fiancé tells me "You're doing incredible! Keep it up! I believe in you! You'll do it, I know you will." I still worry every single day that I'll never get past it.

I've tried to get sober before and I've always failed. I've always fallen back into drugs and fallen in harder than before. My father was addicted all the way until he died, no matter how many times he tried to get sober, and people have told me that there's a chance the cravings may never stop, even if I spend the rest of my life sober.

I'm terrified. Thinking of how I nearly killed myself in my last drug binge leaves me so frightened and worried. I don't want to do that to myself again. But I don't want to live the rest of my life getting sudden intense urges to down four ecstasy pills or to buy a couple hundred dollars worth of coke and do it all one line after another.

I'm afraid that I'll never amount to anything because after being abused I dove into drugs and now I can't escape them. I wish I'd never gotten into them at all. I hate everybody who pulled me into them when I was 14. They were all in their upper 20s and knew better and now I'm way in over my head and afraid I'll never get past it.

I just hate it so much...