It's so funny because I only posted that comment as a result of a series of events:...my (ex)boyfriend and I were browsing reddit (he never used reddit before he met me, I introduced him and he used it more and more but he never uses it as much as me, I'm a bit of an addict.) and we ran into that comment about that Winnie the Pooh scene and I remembered it instantaneously and recounted how frightening it was to me as a child and I wanted to show him the video because I couldn't really convey the creepiness haha but I loaded all the comments and no one had commented a link, which surprised me, because usually if I check to see if I'll be useful, someone has already posted so..I move on...that is what I don't understand about tutorial people on youtube, people that post a tutorial that literally 10000s of other people have already done. "beauty gurus" and people like that make money off of that. it is so bizarre to me. anyway,

I realized that other people would come across that comment and feel the same way, and want a video immediately...so I linked it even though a fair amount of time had passed. it is so weird when comments are upvoted and people start replying to you. I know this is pathetic as fuck, and everyone is supposed to act nonchalant about being upvoted (it is rare for me haha), but I really love interacting with a bunch of random people about a particular thing. I specifically love Askreddit in particular. Even if I'm downvoted, if people are replying to me, I really enjoy it - but only when I'm not sober...because I am far too self-conscious to talk to people...I'm a bit fucked in the head, I've tried to fix it but I fail a lot. I thought it would get better but it never did. I'm a fucked up loser person, one of those people everyone mocks, one of those people everyone pity and imply that they're dumb or completely pathetic and worthless. and I never expected to be. I put a lot of work into getting better. and my mental and physical health degraded and degrated and now I'm fully debilitated at 23 even after seeing so many therapists and psychiatrists and specialists and GPs and trying so many meds out of desperation to be able to go to school and function again and have a life, have a more..average american life, go to college..even if it means debt, I wanted to be in college because I needed college for the social aspect, I was so fucked up and anxious and isolated and intensely self-loathing in high school that I barely talked to anybody. my entire senior year was spent cliche-ly in a bathroom. I was really stressed and losing my hair and eventually addicted to vicodin I stole from my grandmother. On the outside I think I appeared like one of the stuck-up smart kids (I was never exceedingly smart, but I became very good at essays, tests, anything to excel academically, I was obsessive and perfectionistic. I thought of myself as an intellectual, I may have been pretentious then but my body/mind sure as hell humbled me, maybe I deserved all of this somehow. I loved to learn, I loved to read...I still love to read but I can hardly retain even half of what I could before, it is so discouraging and it feels like I am experiencing the onset of dementia sometimes (that is from chronic stress, chronic sleep deprivation, and chronic drug use)...in high school and even later in life..people think shy people are stuck up...I don't know...hahaha I just...even when I started college, I was finally able to talk to people, I just managed to start reaching out and trying to practice iniating talking to various people, I understood then..finally, that...waiting never gets you anywhere. when you are sick, when you are isolated...life isn't a movie. I remember walking around campus at three in the morning. I did that...dozens of days, a whole semester of days...and I never ran into a single person, life is obviously not like a movie, you don't just run into people, people don't just reach out to you. but I grew up...thinking I was like other people when really I was an overly stressed recluse and I Didn't know how to be a kid or a teenager or function at all, so adolescence was a failure for me. and what I'm trying to say..and failing to say is...I THOUGHT ADULTHOOD WOULD SAVE ME. I thought 'it gets better' 'change is inevitable' applied to everyone. I had hope

I hardly talk to my sister due to various circumstances but one time she started crying and started saying 'everything happens for a reason' (this is bizarre but my sister is the complete opposite of me because of luckier genetics and a better childhood environment that wasn't traumatic as my own was. and a host of other things. (my sister was homecoming queen somehow?)

anyway, years later. I am very very very sick, every single day. I rely on drugs to function at all. I am so sick I can barely manage to take pictures of things I possess to sell because I can't hold down a job because I stop sleeping and the pain is overwhelming, and it forced me to drop out of school, and that was the only place I wanted to be.

and here I am, pathetically responding to random people in askreddit threads, ranting, high as fuck. because I randomly bought a pumpkin pie edible that was on sale at a dispensary here (colorado)and I took a little bit, and it didn't do anything, and I did the cliche foolish thing..and I ate more of it...and now I'm way too high, and it's fucking FOUR A.M and I've spent hours typing these comments and it's horrible. someone save me.