I had a mental breakdown. I dont mean to scare you in anyway or give you anxiety, but mental health is fragile. That is necessary to know. I never thought my short break would be so severe. Or that i would ever get one.

To kind of joke about it, i always thought i'd be one of the people to grab a shotgun and go fight if i ever saw cthullu rise out of the ocean. Turns out I wont be.

I was sobre, and I had blackouts during the 1st day. I remember having a plate of food in front of me, but not the act of eating it. I thought of things that had to have happened on that 1st day, getting out of bed, GETTING DRESSED, I dont remember what I wore on that 1st day. The average person doesnt remember what they wore two weeks ago, but I couldnt think if I got dressed when that 1st day was yesterday. That scared me.

It didnt scare me as much when i realized, if I had thought more illogically one way or another, i could have hurt myself or others.

Without going into to much details, i dont have a history of violence, but i do have self destructive behavior. And the possibility of hurting my family made me go to a therapist and tell them everything. That was 4 days after the breakdown.

I dont really feel like writing out exactly where my mindset was, because its all illogical anyway, and it would take a while to write. The 1st day started with the most severe panic attack i ever had. I had it in my sleep and my family woke me up. But, i wasnt in bed, i was crouched on the floor holding on to a lamp and a dresser. After that, i convinced myself that i wasnt really HERE in the kind of religious since. I believed i had died and wqs in hell. Then i went back to sleep and woke myself up "realizing" i was in heaven. After that realization, some small details throughout the day made cracks in that illusion.

The next three days I would only eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom. Then i had a chance to see a therapist. I told him everything, even when my mom thought what i said might force the therapists hand and send me somewhere.

There is a good ending to this story. Or at least a good update, since my mental health is definitely an on going proccess. I tried to think through the same logic i had when i brokedown. Now, the first week or so after the break, i could have easily just decided to believe in my delusions.

The one reason I had to maybe convince myself of my delusions, i experienced euphoric/existential joy. I mean, if you truly believed you made it to heaven, how happy do you think you would be?

Now, i cant piece together that logic. I cant actually think that way, like theres a handful of missing links in a chain. But, oh boy does that bring up another issue for me! What if I cant think logically about other things because i dont have those 'links?' Another question for the therapist.

So, to sum-up this massive wall of text. I didnt realize just how fragile my mental health was. I didn't know just how close i was to breaking even the day before. But, a few months after, i am better. Now, though, i will always be different from that day on. Its not like im socially marked or special. The difference is like on the 2nd day i thought to myself, "I hope yesterday was a dream. Because, if not, then what i believed and what i said, i cant take back." I wanted so badly to think it was all a dream, it felt like one and i remembered it like one.

The difference is me taking into account how fragile my mental health is. Realizing that there are things i cant dwell on to long. There are thousands of things you can do/support to enrich others people's lives. So many things you can do for your meighbors. So many organizations that you can do volunteer work or donate for. There are so many people to grieve for and many others that all you can do is listen to their story and just be witness to their existence.

I cant be up-to-date on everything right now, other wise i could have another breakdown. That makes me feel selfish, like i'm choosing to live under a rock. But, i need to take care of myself. I cant dwell everyday or put to much mebtal energy on trying to keep up with whats going on in the world. Everyday you can find a new thing to worry about or something new to upset you. Everyday! I cant keep looking. Maybe, in the future i can start to help others (maybe i can write more messages like these to bring more awareness to mental health). But, right now, i have to focus on myself and my family.

I'd recommend for anyone feeling overwhelmed, dont go looking for things that upset you.