I often find that "tomorrow" tends to leave me feeling disappointed in love when I find it, because even if the future seems good, I can recall no history with this person, and so we will always necessarily fail to understand eachother. I can think of no better way than to simply do what I do, and hope that somehow it gives me a history that I have no problem calling the history of my love for this person, despite having never met them up to that point... The problem is, every time I try to talk myself in/ out of love, I am never wholly committed to my feelings one way or the other... I know it will not work, I know that at some point I will cease to miss her, so why do I feel like I love her and will never not miss her? And the thing is, I will say it, and as I am saying it believe that I do not mean it. And yet I will do something to undo it, and in the quiet I will think about it and believe that I did mean it... I just can't match her enthusiasm, and I just want to wreck everything and leave her weeping, and then I get angry at her that she will simply shrug and move on... Honestly though, I have a hard time taking "love" seriously if it isn't really rooted in the way that people actually are, so in the sense that it is an ideal, it is so incredibly abstract that an attempt to actually "find it" based on appearance is pointless... I'm pretty sure I am not in love, and yet at any given second in her presence or out of it, I feel as though I might be... But then at some point, I've either wasted time, or severed the ties, or didn't surrender myself completely... And then what? Do I carry the same non-committal notion of love into the next life? Do I carry the same feeling of it not being "quite right"? Do I chastise myself over not loving someone and allow it to boind me from my surroundings so that I don't see who it is I truly love?

The bible makes a great case for hanging on to "the wife of your youth", and I see the truth in this, but the truth is, that kind of love always made uncomfortable. There are days where I would just prefer to be the strange wretch that I am, cease to concern myself with any of it, and just hope that someone I am attracted to understands... But it also means that I cannot indulge in the kind of self-pity that would lead me to mire myself in a greater multitude of sins, and merely be whatever it is that I would be were I to feel loved... And simply be devoid of love until the day that I am not...

I really don't know how to answer this. I guess it would be akin to asking how you are supposed to get along with the person you love when they piss you off... I really don't understand this question.