fair enough -- i definitely sound unstable. I may not have used the best words as english is not my main language.

the thing is -- I took too much time to tell her how I felt and how sorry I was and always self-sabotaged myself by thinking that she would be better not talking to me or that It was not the right time because she was dating or something among those lines. I "moved on" with my life and got into some relationships, met wonderful girls but I've always thought about her. Always. I miss how being with her was fun even when we did absolutely nothing, how she would laugh at any stupid thing i'd say, I miss talking on the phone with her for several hours at 2am. I miss a lot of things that I have not been able to find with someone else, and I don't think I want to.

A couple weeks ago this started messing with me more and more to the point of not going out with someone because I'd be on my bed thinking about her, wether I should send her a text, call her or something, etc, so I decided to put an "end" to this and call her and It was great, she was really receptive and actually happy I called her, and I'm also happy I got to say a lot of things I held on for years, but I think I also regret saying the most important thing. I don't really expect to go out with her or something for now as she's 1) in a relationship 2) we don't have any intimacy right now, but I'd love to be able to build that intimacy again, to actually get to know her again.

Idk, it's kind of hard to say exactly what I feel/want here, but just having lunch with her or something and talking in person for a bit would be great — I just have no idea if this is something I have the right given I was the one that fucked it all up and I also have no idea if that would be offensive given she is in a relationship and I'm someone she hasn't really spoken to in quite some time.