I got offered a job by of friend of mine who is a magician. He was gonna emcee a comedy show at this little bar. He booked a feature and a headliner, but needed an opener. I hadn't done stand up in years, but I figured bar crowds are ok, I'll do a reading for them. I get to the venue and get a double whammy. This bar is having a big fish fry and there were kids everywhere. Plus, the venue has terrible lighting and sound, so the performer is kinda glued down on a tiny "stage" with no great way to connect with and work the crowd. So I quickly tried to rewrite my set at my table, because I was not ready for family entertainment. My buddy then pulls me up, has me help him with a trick (unrehearsed), and announces that it's my first stand up ever and bolts off stage. I stumbled through some small jokes, and tell a story about him and I growing up together blah blah blah... finally the last family leaves with their kids. I'm dying on stage, but now I've got a solid two-drinks-in adult bar crowd. I hit the panic button, step off stage and grab my book. This reading was gonna fucking happen now. If I was gonna bomb a show, I was gonna ride it all the way to the ground.

I Read from my masterpiece "If this beds a rockn' don't come a knockin' - Flintstones erotica."

As it turned out, the crowd actually got the humor, and it didn't end so badly. That was the cringiest ten twenty minutes of stage time ever, but the real cringe is that I was dumb enough to put it on YouTube. I still can't watch the vid. It makes me cringe so hard it peels the enamel from my teeth.

TL;DR - I improvised clean jokes at a gig until the kids left, then read Flintstones erotica to a full bar. I shared it online :(