Tried to justify to myself that because I said something really mean to an ex, broke up with them, and was "emotional", that I deserved their distance and hesitancy in not wanting to be together. That because they were loved, they deserved all the patience in the world. As every hour passes, it seems the more cold I get. I deserved to be told 'maybe' over and over and be rejected over and over. Im out of touch with my emotions and it takes a long time t process them. I think this emotion is disgust and sadness with a hint of anger. Everything was about them. Their work, their schedule, their life. I was so stupid and naive. Mum got diagnosed with depression, maybe a sentence. Said they'd probably call Christmas eve and Christmas, nothing. New Years eve, nothing. Said we would probably make plans before they left, nothing. Nothing. Family possibly losing their home, having to possibly drop University due to financial reason.. when my mum was dying of a brain tumour half the size of her brain and couldn't even tie her shoes- nothing. Nothing. Telling them I loved them, and instead of setting me free by saying they don't- they refuse to answer, nothing. Asking to be left alone after feeling rejected and stung along and them apologizing over a single sentence of text. Not even calling. That's nothing. They were a bad partner but they were a worse friend. It's not about deserving anything, I am the one who choose this. I feel so hurt I can't even talk to anyone, it just feels so knotted and confusing. So I don't. Just accept my decisions and my mistakes, wishing them well. Move on, let go of that idea and pursue as people. I guess I'm getting emotional. I guess it's important to not let idealism run the show and to cut people off when its done. Yeah, I think I feel hurt.