I'm scared, constantly and without pause, but for once, I'm happy.

Due to social anxiety I had a mental breakdown half a year ago. I was so scared of showing up at work that i would overdose on caffien just to get by. It worked, but after the third can of double brewed coffee i would go home in the evening and have a panic attack. For the rest of the evening I would think happy thoughts of slit wrists, roof jumping and train collisions. A few times, when it was at its worst i even climbed on top of a nearby parking garage and found a good spot. Luckily I'm both a coward and overly concerned with peoples opinion, so I obviously never jumped.

One day I just couldn't handle it any more. I went home halfway through a shift and i haven't been back since. A week later they fired me, they did try to contact me several dozen times by phone, a few home visits and even with a letter, but the fear i used to have of showing up at work was compacted a hundred fold by the fear of having to face the people i had fucked over by leaving without warning.

I spent a lot of time hidden in my bed with the lights off. Thats a pretty pathetic picture, a thirty year old hiding his head under a pillow while his coworker and friend through 6 years is knocking on the kitchen window for the third time that week.

I have been living of my savings account ever since. Once it runs dry in a couple of months im going to kill myself. I just can't handle going back out there into the real world, for the first time in my life im not terrified, im just scared, i don't have cold sweats and panic attacks, i don't puke before work or have to "go to" the bathroom to hide the fact im having a mental breakdown when my workday is extended for a few hours.

The funny thing is that this is the happiest I've ever been, now that im not in school or at work i can completly avoid people unless it's absolutly neccesary, I haven't even felt like killing myself ever since i quit my job. I'm not fine by any stretch of the imagination, but i'm as fine as i'm ever going to be and I'm a lot finer then i used to be.

I will be damned if i am not going to enjoy the rest of my life, however short and limited it is.