Okay, I dropped out at the first page, but I can tell you why.
Other critiquers have said it, present tense is like comedy, which is like hunting a tiger with a pop-gun. It can work, but when it fails, the results are disastrous. Present tense "works" (but fails more times than not) to build up a sense of immediate urgency as though what is happening is happening RIGHT NOW and there's no time for the protagonist to give what has happened any sense of...gravity isn't the right word, but...uh...perspective. Yeah, go with that. What is happening picks the reader up and just throws them into the POV character's stream of conscious. And if you can't do that seamlessly, the reader can see you, the author's thumb prints everywhere on what should be a perfectly spotless plate. When you're writing, you should be telling your reader to pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, and in present tense, if not done exactly perfect, has the author jumping up and down and screaming "Look at me! Isn't this edgy? Man, present tense is AWESOME" when in reality, it is not.
But I got beyond the present tense. It was the purple prose that kicked me out. Whereas present tense CAN work (but mostly doesn't) overly flowery prose never does, ever. We're an extremely jaded readership these days. You can have a beautifully turned ankle of a phrase that will make the reader want to grab the next person who passes and reads it out loud just to get the same reaction they felt when they read it the first time, but purple prose is never going to give the reader that sense of shivery pleasure. Again, you're screaming at the reader to look at you, the author, and not what's happening on the page every time you go into describing things over and above keeping it simple.
If you can write well enough that you can show the reader that you know purple prose is bad and yet still do it well enough that the reader can give you a grudging nod that okay, all right, just this once, you can do it, but that doesn't mean you should. You can, of course break any rule if you do it successfully, but you need to acknowledge to the reader that you know there's a rule there, but you're breaking it anyway. That takes talent and skill and is definitely not something you should take as a challenge just to show up a random comment on Reddit. Yes, any rule can be broken, but you'll be wasting an awful lot of time trying to show me up, and I won't care one way or the other because I already acknowledge it can be done.
KISS your prose. Keep it simple. This goes to all things, not just your description. Your character, within the first page has said something and then added something else. Once is an awkward mistake, twice means you've done it deliberately. When you're writing fantasy or science fiction where the "science" acts like magic, you're going to be asking the reader to take a giant leap with you as you break the laws of physics. This is suspension of disbelief. You have to build up your suspension so that the reader is willing to trust you when you make that leap and they're willing to jump with you. If you can't get the simple things right, like how people speak or writing characters that aren't two dimensional props to show off how clever your main character is, they're not going to have any trust in you left that your magic system works. Nailing the small bits, like how people communicate, builds up the trust so that when you jump, the reader can go with you.
You obviously have a lot of passion in this universe, and that's awesome. The one thing that you should do is finish your book, and then ask for advice. By the time you got to the end of your story and really figured out who your characters are and what they want, you might have been able to realize they're speaking in purple tongues and their dialogue herks and jerks along. Critiquers don't read like readers. Readers who pick up the book as is are going to assume you know how to write until you prove otherwise. Critiquers, on the other hand, are going to assume that you don't know how to write until you prove otherwise. Once you start critiquing, it doesn't take long before you've seen it all before. You, as the author, want to give them a reason to stick around and get into the meat of the story without getting distracted on surface level things that you could have easily fixed. And even if they don't seem easy or obvious to you know on your first book, you have to believe that if you keep writing, they will become obvious to you.
The most important thing a work in progress has to do is become a work in revision. Once the book is finished, you can take anything that exists in physical form and make it better, no matter how rough or cliched the first draft is. You might not make it good enough to sell, but you will make it better in tiny steps.
If you think I've torn a strip off you and am now sprinkling vinegar and salt on the wound, you should know I've seen much worse than this. It is far better to over-reach in your first draft than play it safe and say nothing at all. The only way to fail at writing is to give it up entirely, and you obviously want to tell a gripping and involved tale. This isn't it, but once it is finished, you'll be able to go back and know exactly why this science fantasy is unlike any other science fantasy out there. You'll be able to introduce to the reader an interesting character in an interesting world with an interesting problem and go from there. First drafts are always going to be messy, but you have to give yourself permission to suck if you're going to ever get better.
Don't go back and make any changes. You'll end up in an endless feedback loop of always wanting to go back and fix the beginning without ever continuing on and getting to the end of the story. Continue on from the point that you're at right now as though you've already made the changes that you're going to make and then, on the rewrite, make those changes. If you'd said everything you said on that first page brilliantly, you still want to go back and change everything so that it's not the first way you could possibly say it, it's going to be the best way.
Best of luck with this. You have passion. The skill will come. Don't ever let it make you afraid of getting anything wrong. You can fix anything on the rewrite.