NTA I’m a few months younger than you (turning 57 soon but not yet) and my mom is 87 and widowed for a year. She had a horrendously difficult life, which she often took out on me. I look after her in her assisted living apartment. No way in hell would I let her live with us. No way. I don’t think she’s a uniformly bad mom but she was difficult and she definitely parentified me to take care of her even when I was a teenager.
So, I’d have the same stress issues you’re afraid of having and that would wreck what’s left of my already fragile health from chronic autoimmune disorders. Also I have seen enough friends’ marriages sink down the toilet after taking in an elderly parent. Our society and lifestyles used to better support multi generational living, but in most cases, that’s no longer true.
But you’d better start looking NOW, while she’s still healthy and able bodied, for good living options for her including a seniors complex that offers different levels of accommodation for the different stages of mobility and care she’s likely to need as she ages further.
At her age her mobility and lifestyle needs can change in a flash. You will want to have all your ducks in a row rather than scramble to make arrangements while waiting for her to get released from a sudden unexpected hospital stay. Which is what happened to me right after my dad died last year.
Know what benefits she’s entitled to and what financials she has and try like heck to keep her finances from commingling with yours. You don’t want any assisted living or healthcare providers coming after YOU for her care bills, not when they can get their money from government programs instead. Your own finances should be a last resort.
I don’t know where you live but check for what local and national government benefits she would qualify for as she ages and requires care, plus any benefits she might have as a result of being a member herself or widow of a member of various organizations.
If for some reason you feel you absolutely must take care of her in your home, look at options for professional home health care providers to take some of the very considerable physical and mental load from you.
Even with my mom being in assisted living, there are times I still have to lift her or wash her or do very demanding tasks for her due to her being so private and her facility being short staffed. Or when she has to stay overnight at a hospital or urgent care facility, I’ve been just straight up ordered more than once to assist the nurse with moving her around. So I know having to do this work on my own all the time at my age would wreck me physically. I already did all that for my mother-in-law her last year of life and have a messed up back from it.
You deserve to enjoy your life, too. And no my mom didn’t take care of her mom, either. But yeah she always expected me to look after her. I have shortchanged my teenager enough over the last few years slaving away at elder care. I draw the line at taking away my daughter’s space in our home. As it stands now, when my daughter is with her grandmother, it is quality time for both of them.