Hello there! I'm a new mother. I have all the obvious stressers but the biggest is how uncertain my future is. I got pregnant by my bf (m early 20s) and I (f early 20s) didn't know what to do. We both were upset by the situation because we had been together only 3 months. He insisted on abortion and I said I wanted time to think. The first thing he said "What will I tell my family?" I said I didn't care what he told his family and that I would not be upset if he chose to not be involved. It was okay for him to say he hadn't wanted this going into the relationship. He said that and a lot more and I understood. I decided to keep the pregnancy and let him know. He said he also wanted to keep it and that he also wanted to continue the relationship. That was a hard thing for me because his 2 week tantrum about wanting and abortion and promising me trips if I aborted and promising me a baby later had turned me off of a relationship with him. I felt he did not understand my point of view.
This is the situation we got into. I did not know if I wanted him to be a father of my children but we had unsafe sex so this is where we were. His behavior made me laugh at the thought of planning a child with him. I told him this was the only one he'd get out of me, and I was only considering it because it was a reality. I thought we got back together understanding that we were a new couple who were trying to embrace what had happened.
He completely switched gears. One week he says unkind things I still haven't forgotten 10 months later and then the next week he flips the script and tells his whole family before I was ready to tell people and drags me around town to meet his whole family. I didn't know people's names and was still processing that I was 8 weeks pregnant and strangers would come up and congratulate me on what was a secret in my life and now exposed to people he would have been ashamed to tell a week ago? It felt like too much to handle. I was heartbroken over how he acted a victim for me wanting to keep the child with no expectations of him. I had literally been reduced to tears and felt pressured into booking an abortion that I knew I couldn't do (I'm still pro choice but my decision was made).
I was felt forced socially to act lucky I had bagged this guy who just didn't understand where I was coming from. Throughout the pregnancy his expectations feel outlandish and just to please his family. Because my morning sickness never ended I couldn't work. My mother offered to support me financially through my pregnancy and I could live with her (I had been already). He wanted me to move in with him but he still acted like he hated I was pregnant half the time. My mom made me feel I should try to keep my 'family' together. I ended up living with him with my mother paying bills for me. (My family is religious and she knew my life would be easier if we stayed together and got married to appease them)
While they were being super sweet and loving the boundaries I set (with strangers) were ignored by him and his family many times. (Unplanned visits now that they new where I lived, drop by demanding I listen to crackpot medical advice, etc.) I want my kid to be in a family but I'm not content with someone who acts like he loves me and then gets depressed like he HAS to be here. He doesn't even pay my bills. He does give me money but I feel it so my mom sees he contributes and it's not consistent. Coincidentally he only feels like that when I get down about having just had a baby 6 weeks ago and finding recovery hard, when I am in pain I can't end or manage, when I am crying. I thought he loved me for real but he revealed one day when I was feeling a bought of depression that he didn't love me when he first said it. I don't know why he decided to kick me while I'm down.
He backtracked and tried to take it back. He says he didn't mean it its just just bad coping mechanism he has. But now I think he doesn't love me. It is the only way to explain how he lashes out. I know it was very soon to have a baby. His loving guestures feel orchestrated by family but he won't admit it because he can't admit we ended up up family in a non traditional way and we could be a family in a non traditional way.
He wants to get married and I don't want to if he is the one with the idea and then acts like it's a shot gun wedding.
He recently said he understood what he does is hurtful and he wants to get married and says he will change. I just don't want to feel bad for having a baby anymore. Our child is here and our child is beautiful. I want to have genuine conversations about feelings.
He is always obsessed with doing the right thing. He is too terrified to make a mistep. I almost feel I'm outgrowing him sometimes. Failing is kind of necessary sometimes, no?