It's amazing to me that in the past when I was fully dedicated and raised in this cult that I thought that after the meeting I was feeling the holy spirit as a reward for going. It took me years later to understand that it was actually a relief that the ordeal was over with -- eating dinner really fast, getting dressed up in uncomfortable clothes, and rushing to a meeting. It is fascinating to me now what brainwashing can do. It was when my brother was getting married and when the family stayed at our house the night before that I started to figure it out. You know the ordeal -- in front of another witness family, you have to prove you are super spiritual. I was exhausted from the sudden changes and the mess of pre-wedding stuff, and of course, it was meeting time and as you know we all had to prove to one another that we were super spiritual sheep. I felt this sudden rage and slammed one of the hangers containing a 10 to 20 ties while dressing in my room. It ripped open my thumb somehow and it bled at a ridiculous rate. I had to find tape to bind it before finding the hidden bandaids. It didn't take long after this to realised why I was so mad out of no where. I remember what I screamed under a silent whisper when slamming the hanger at the time. "We just went to a fucking meeting! How is it already meeting time again!". This was the beginning for me in understanding what I was actually feeling. I was only feeling dread before the meetings and intense happiness only because it was finally over -- no holy spirit involved all along.